|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 3 -- 02.01.2010|
Special Super Bowl report
Catholic saints boost
Divine powers certainly seemed to be at work in the NFC championship game, where the Saints were outplayed by the Minnesota Vikings but still managed to eke out a 31-28 victory in the overtime nail-biter.
St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers and turnovers, helped keep New Orleans in the game by forcing the Vikings into five giveaways to the Saints’ one.
And despite being picked apart for 310 yards by
“We couldn’t get a break,” moaned the Vikings dumbfounded coach Brad Childress. “It was like there was some kind of supernatural force that kept the ball bouncing the wrong way for us.”
Meantime, St. Lucy, the patron saint of eyes, worked some of her magic on the referees late in the game as several close calls went
“The refs seemed blind to late hits on Brett Favre throughout the game,” notes Cardinal Giovanni Gonadi, the
Of course, the whole season has been nothing short of a miracle for New Orleans, and it’s all been orchestrated by the team’s fiery leader, quarterback Drew Brees.
“Pope Benedict the XIV is so excited he’s changing his name to Benedict XLIV for Super Sunday. As far as the Church goes, the Saints making the Super Bowl is the best thing to happen since the Immaculate Reception!”
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Long distance to the afterlife
New iPhone app dials up the deadBy Krystal Ball
Called DeadTalk, the app was developed by Apple™ with the help of Allison DuBois, the famed channel who inspired the hit TV show Medium.
“I figured why should I, and a few other gifted people like me, be the only ones who have to deal with the really, really, REALLY old folks,” she says. “Believe me, they’re a handful, especially when you have kids to take care of, too!”
By charting DuBois’ brainwave patterns while she was in contact with a homicidal spirit from the afterlife, crack psycho-engineers at The Apple™ Institute were able to develop a hot line to the Beyond.
“It was really cool, even though in the first test call my late grandmother told me she never really liked me,” says chief engineer Marvin “Slashdot” Moodle. “But Uncle Al was a gas, as usual. The joker gave me some lottery numbers to play – and they all turned out to be losers.”
The remarkable new app is free, but calls to the afterlife can run $100 a minute -- or more!
“It’s hard to say how much a call to a specific spirit will cost,” says DeadTalk pricing director Frank M. Bezzler. “Some souls drift into other realms quite quickly and cost more to contact, while
Bezzler reiterates that the new app is free and can be downloaded at DeadTalkNow.com.
“It’s the most exciting thing to happen in communications since the iPhone,” crows Apple™ chief Steve Jobs. “And it’s guaranteed to make me even richer!”
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