|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 5 -- 03.01.2010|
Manned space program cut but...
‘Womanned’ missions to take flightBy Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
“When Obama realized what the manned missions have meant to
“So the president came up with the brilliant idea of reinstating it but making space a woman’s domain, kind of like the kitchen.”
Although the program has yet to be announced, planning has actually been underway for months.
“We’ve already ordered another zero-gravity toilet for the International Space Station,” reveals the insider.
“I can’t wait to add some pastel colors to liven up the place,” Stewart told a pal. “And that new bay window is just screaming for curtains and a scalloped valance.”
Obama is also expected to reinstate plans for permanent bases on the moon, a role our insider says is a perfect fit for the astronettes.
“You can bet that women won’t waste their time joy-riding around the moon in a suped up go-cart and hitting golf balls like the guys did in the '70s,” notes the insider. “They’ll set up house, which is just what we need.”
Although there have been some grumblings about the new astronette corps from some NASA oldtimers, women’s groups are applauding the plan.
Proclaims National Organization of Women chief Terry O’Neill: “This is a giant leap for womankind!”
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Docs remove Dick Cheney’s heartBy Dr. Frank N. Stein
Incredibly, the 69-year-old Republican firebrand and tireless waterboarding advocate was home from
“He is showing no ill effects and is already planning his next attack on President Obama,” says Dr. Hacker.
Cheney is the first person ever known to survive without a heart. Dr. Hacker says that as the former vice president's damaged ticker slowly faltered, his circulatory system converted from blood to bile.
“By the time we removed his heart, his gall bladder was enlarged and already beating,” says Dr. Hacker. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
But Satanic expert Professor Harry Balz believes there is another explanation.
“It’s well documented that Cheney is a Devil worshipper, and this is obviously Satan’s work,” he says.
“Joe Biden stumbled upon it, and he even found a contract Cheney had with a ‘Mr. Lucifer’ signed in blood,” says Balz. “It was for his soul, which explains why he doesn't seem to have one.”
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