|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 6 -- 03.15.2010|
New vaccine may cureBy Frank M. Bezzler
TOKYO, JAPAN – Toyota’s fortunes may finally be on the rise!
Today, pharmaceutical giant Merck announced the development of a vaccine to cure the mysterious bug that has been causing the troubled automaker's vehicles to suddenly accelerate uncontrollably.
“This could be the answer to all of
Beaker believes that the Toyotas are infected with an insidious hybrid germ.
“The culprit appears to be a genetically engineered cross between a Trojan Horse computer virus and Norovirus, which is common on cruise ships and typically makes humans go non-stop as well,” explains Beaker.
Merck execs are boasting that their new vaccine, Accelerstop, administered over the course of two oil changes, will not only prevent future cases of sudden acceleration in Toyotas but also cure any current infections.
“The vaccine works as advertised,” concluded lead researcher Susan Merck-Johnson. “We recommend inoculating all present and future Toyotas.”
Side effects are said to be rare but may include intermittant stalling, electrical problems, loss of tire pressure, power steering interruptions, lowered gas mileage, radiator leak and catastrophic engine failure.
But even if the virus can be rendered harmless by the vaccine, it’s already done immeasurable damage to the world’s leading automaker. And one leading expert believe he knows who developed and planted the insideous bug.
“Up to this point,
Hyman claims to have extracted fluid samples from a wrecked 2008 Camry, and in a world exclusive, shares the first photo ever published of the virus.
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Assassination plot thwarted
Cartoons win one in War on TerrorBy James Olsen
“It is blasphemy to draw a likeness of the exalted Prophet,” blasts Islamic scholar Ali bin Wanken. “Death is too good for this infidel!”
But Mickey and Minnie Mouse saved Vilks' life. The two intrepdi rodents overheard Jihad Jane planning the assassination with her pack of cutthroats while working undercover in a
“This proves yet again that the pen is mightier than the sword,” proclaims the cartoon army’s proud commander, General Bugs Bunny.
“Tough crowd,” notes Bugs.
But heroic efforts to defeat the murderous extremists kept coming up short.
“I think our biggest mistake was putting Wily E. Coyote in charge of munitions,” admits Bugs.
Last fall, Yosemite Sam took over for the hapless coyote, vowing to deliver enough firepower to deal with the “carsarn terrorist varmits fer once and fer all!”
And now, the first cell has fallen! Thanks to the coalition, cartoonists
“Let’s face it, she’s already got a cartoon name,” he explains. “All we need to get is someone to draw her.
“Then, she’ll be one of us!”
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