Book manuscript reveals:
By Jack Slack
Political correspondent
CRAWFORD, TEX--In a blockbuster world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that former President George W. Bush tried to enlist the Men in Black in his War on Terror!
    The shocking revelation comes to light in a first draft of Bush’s upcoming book, Decision Points: Using Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe to Change the World.
    “Calling upon the Men in Black to fight those cowardly evildoers was the best decision I ever made!” Bush crows in the draft, which is written in crayon. “I’m sure that without them, we would have had another 9/11, although it probably would have happened on a different date and we would have had to call it something else, like 7/11 or 5/13 or 2/30.”
   

'Man in Black' on the job

Bush adds that he got the idea in July 2002 after seeing the movie Men in Black II, where the shadowy government agents thwart yet another alien plot to vaporize Earth.
    “It just hit me that if these guys can handle alien scum from outer space, al-Qaida should be a piece of cake,” writes the former Prez. “So I ran the idea past Uncle Dick (Cheney). He said it was ‘brilliant’ and he’d get right on it.”
    But a former West Wing insider tells the Cosmic Chronicle that Bush’s plan was never implemented.   
    “Cheney told the President it was great idea then dumped the funding into a Halliburton subsidiary,” explains the insider. “To keep the President happy, he found a couple of security guys who resembled the actors in the Men in Black movies and occasionally placed them around Bush so he could spot them at work.”

A Man in Black  lookalike (circle) at  a Bush speech to soldiers overseas

    Another Bush Administration source recalls how then Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld almost blew it in a fit of frustration.
    “They were all sitting around talking about profiteering on the War on Terror and Bush kept babbling about the Men in Black,” says the source. “Rummy finally snapped and told him they weren’t real.
    “The President looked kind of vacant until Cheney leaned over and whispered, ‘Don’t worry. Rummy’s out of the loop on the MIB thing. Just ignore him -- and don’t ever mention it again.’”
    And he apparently didn't, until now. Other momentous decisions Bush will

Israel's Men in Black

discuss in the book include invading Iraq, his response to Hurricane Katrina and picking StarWars’ Jedi master Yoda to succeed Tom Ridge as Homeland Security chief, a story first revealed in the now defunct Weekly World News.
    The former President also explains why he didn’t do more to broker peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians, which top Mideast experts believe is the key element in fighting terrorism. During his one and only visit to the Promised Land, Bush took particular note of the ultra-orthodox Hasidic Jews.
    “Israel can handle itself alright,” he writes. “After all, they’ve got Men in Black everywhere!”

---

They’re back!
By Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
CAPE CANAVERA, FLA.--The shocking first photo of the $100 billion International Space Station with all of its solar wings in place shows that it has a potentially catastrophic Gremlin infestation!
    As the space shuttle Discovery departed the ISS on March 25, it snapped a picture of the space station - the final set of solar wings giving it perfect symmetry after more than 15 years of construction.

Close examination of this ISS photo shows five Gremlins perched on the Svezda module

    While NASA engineers rejoiced at the successful installation of the electricity- generating panels, closer examination of the photos alarmed safety inspectors when they spotted several small creatures perched on the cylindrical Svezda module, which serves as the crew’s primary living quarters.
    “We went from ecstatic jubilation to utter horror,” admits Kenneth Klutz Jr., director of NASA’s Engineering and Safety Center. “Those little demons are worse than space junk!”
    Klutz suspects that the Gremlins stowed away in the Japanese Kibo Laboratory, which was transported to the ISS and installed in June 2008.
    “That was right about the time the station's zero-gravity toilet began malfunctioning,” notes Klutz. “And we all know that the Gremlins originate from Japan. Coincidence? I think not.
    “Since then we’ve experienced an assortment of annoying little problems, like the locking pin for a cargo platform mysteriously being installed upside-down, gyroscopic failures that threatened to upset the station’s equilibrium and, of

NASA chief Spock

course, the system designed to process urine into drinkable water inexplicably turning out beer instead.”
    Despite the imminent threat to the well-being of the space station, new NASA chief Mr. Spock seems unperturbed.
    “I find this development fascinating,” says Spock, former first officer of the starship Enterprise. “The Gremlins remind me of the Tribbles that infested the Enterprise on Stardate 4523.3.
    “They may be troublesome, but at least they’re not Klingons.”