Cosmic Chronicle

Nostradamus’ lost texts reveal:

Health care will cause ‘destruction’

By Shlomo Garcia
National correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The landmark healthcare legislation passed by the U.S. Congress will cause the “utter destruction” of America and devastation around the globe!

Nostradamus

    That’s a recently discovered prophecy of Nostradamus, the famed 16^th Century seer who accurately predicted a host of catastrophic events including World War II, the Kennedy assassinations, the 9/11 terrorist attacks and George W. Bush’s presidency.
    “When House minority leader John Boehner called the health care legislation ‘Armageddon,’ he wasn’t kidding,” says ancient manuscript expert, Father John Bumkiss. “We’re talking earthquakes, tidal waves, disease, famine and way too much Rush Limbaugh.
    “It’s going to get very ugly.”

Father Bumkiss

    Bumkiss says he discovered references to President Obama’s healthcare plan in three of the 58 lost quatrains of Nostradamus’ epic work, TheProphecies.
    Bumkiss, a former Princeton antiquities professor turned Jesuit priest, is currently a researcher at France’s National Archives & Bakery. And in a bombshell world exclusive, he reveals to the Cosmic Chronicle the stunning stanzas pertaining to health care:

    “From the New Kingdom a call is made,
    To heal the sick through the sweat of the brave,

    But rancor spreads across the land,
    The plague of greed none can withstand.

    “The earth shakes, the seas rise,
    Great balls of fire fall from the sky,
    The Fat Man sows the seeds of hate,
    Poisoning the air, sealing man’s Fate,

     “The Black Prince tries to save the day,
    But Forty-One Brothers hold him at bay,
    Fanatics fight their Holy War amiss,
    And the New Kingdom falls into Hell’s Abyss.”

    Father Bumkiss believes Nostradamus was referring to the U.S. as the “New Kingdom” and that the “Black Prince” is Obama.

The 'Black Prince'

“The ‘Forty-One Brothers’ would appear to be the Senate Republicans, who have vowed to block Obama’s agenda,’” explains Bumkiss. “And who else could the ‘Fat Man’ spreading hate be but Limbaugh, even though I heard he’s lost some weight.”
Recent events seem to support the catastrophic prediction. Since the health care bill was signed into law on March 23, there have been major earthquakes in

The 'Fat Man'

California and Sumatra, record floods in New England -- and Limbaugh is even said to have gained a few pounds.
“You wouldn’t think that guaranteeing medical coverage for just about every American would cause utter destruction,” says Bumkiss. “But in this case, the road to hell seems to be paved with universal health care.”

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Church sex scandal shocker

Trump tells pope: ‘You’re fired!’

By Peter Paul Matthews

Religion correspondent
VATICAN CITY -- The sordid child sex scandal that has been plaguing the Catholic church for years has cost the pope his job!
Right after Easter, reality TV icon Donald Trump marched into St. Peter’s Basilica and fired Pope Benedict XVI, leaving Vatican officials in a state of shock.

Trump firing Pope Benedict

    “We thought only God could fire the pope,” says one highly-placed source. “Obviously, we were wrong.”
    Benedict, 83 this month, has been accused of perpetuating a climate of cover-up for pedophile priests and nymphomaniac nuns.
    And Trump hit the roof when His Holiness didn’t use the Easter Mass as a platform to declare his innocence and remind everyone that he was still the boss of the Church.
    The star of NBC’s hit reality show The Apprentice flew straight to Rome and gave the Pontiff his walking papers.
    “Bad management and failure to deal with a horrific public relations quagmire,” blasted Trump. “I have no other choice but to say: You’re fired!”
    Benedict looked stunned for a moment, then just shrugged his sagging shoulders and handed Trump the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven and the Popemobile, which were all on the same ring.
    As Benedict shuffled off, Trump proclaimed that the new pope would not be chosen by the traditional conclave of cardinals but rather a telephone and text vote from Catholics around the world.
    “The old ways clearly aren’t working,” he said. “The Church needs some innovation.”
    Even though the Catholic church has resisted innovation since its last PR disaster, the Inquisition, officials went along with Trump and conducted a conference call conclave with Tinseltown television execs to create a new format

TV critic Moe Ron

for choosing the pope.
    They decided that the cardinals will pick 12 finalists who will perform various papal duties on TV, such as having their hand kissed, speaking Latin and excommunicating guest celebrities. Viewers will then vote for their favorite by phone or text.
    TV critic Moe Ron believes the show is a guaranteed hit.
    “With a billion Catholics on Earth,” he says, “this could be the biggest TV series of all time!”

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Thanks,

Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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