|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 8 -- 05.01.2010|
Tempers flare over supercollider
By Jos Bleau
“No sooner had they turned on that infernal machine than Eyjafjallajokull began grumbling and ejecting ash and random consonants,” charges
Now, the Icelanders fear that continued use of the supercollider -- officially called the Large Hadron Collider -- could cause the much larger but more sensibly named volcano, Katla, to also erupt.
“Unfortunately, there is no other option but war!”
Even though Iceland has no armed forces except for a Coast Guard with three patrol boats, four aircraft and a dozen trained sperm whales, one expert points out that the country’s threats shouldn’t be taken lightly.
“Don’t underestimate the Icelanders’ resolve,” warns Liex du Kris, director of the
“This is no different than Iraq, except there really is a weapon of mass destruction,” says Sigurðardóttir, whose name in Icelandic means “Old Battleaxe.”
But, so far, reception has been cool.
“No one wants to attack
Meanwhile, the Swiss say the Icelanders need to take responsibility for their own geological faults.
“The supercollider has nothing to do with the eruption of their stupid volcano,” says Swiss minister of defense Hans Jungfrau. “If you ask me, they just overloaded it with too many letters. I mean, who wouldn’t blow up over the name Eyjafjallajokull!”
For past issues of the Cosmic Chronicle, check out the Archive
Celebrates ‘Unelection Day’
Mad Hatter joins the Tea Party!By Charles Bandersnatch
Political nonsense correspondent
WONDERLAND -- Declaring that “there’s no such thing as a bad tea party,” the Mad Hatter has joined the grassroots/Fox News Tea Party political movement that’s been sweeping
“It certainly seems to be a fair and balanced movement to me,” says the notoriously unbalanced Hatter. “Though I do find it very taxing to be so un-taxing!”
The Hatter, who claims no party affiliation, expresses views from both sides of the political aisle.
“I’ll liberal when it comes to blueberry tarts but conservative when it comes to Brussels sprouts,” he says.
The famed literary character was introduced to the Tea Party by his china-tossing pal, the March Hare. The zany hare joined up after noting that the Tea Partiers seemed “madder than me” during health care and veterinary reform protests at town hall meetings.
The March Hare has since worked his way into the movement’s innermost circles.
Declares the Hatter: “Now those Tea Partiers really do have a wild ‘hare’ up their you-know-whats!”
Along with the organization’s “fun parades,” the Hatter says he’s looking forward to adding another celebration to his 364 “unbirthday” parties every year.
“Now we can have Unelection Day parties, too!” he exclaims. “In fact, even Election Day will be an Unelection Day for a lot of legislators if the Tea Partiers
But the Hatter, who shot to fame in Lewis Carroll’s 1865 novel
“The biggest problem so far is that the Tea Partiers don’t actually have any tea parties, which seems to be the whole point to me,” he explains. “And their champion, Sarah Palin, reminds me too much of that frightful Red Queen -- big head, small mind.
“I really don’t think she has the foggiest notion of how to throw a real tea party -- or why a raven is like a writing-desk.”
Editor's Note: Please help Haiti
I normally make a rather fruitless bid for funding in this spot. But for the next few months or so, please use some of the money you're not contributing to the Cosmic Chronicleand donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need. It's as easy as texting HAITI to 90999 for a $10 contribution to the Red Cross' efforts there.
Did you know...
It's estimated that between 60% and 80% of all cancers, neurological disorders and mental conditions are a direct result of chemicals in our air, water and food.Use Isagenix -- the world's best supplement
So what can YOU do about it?
Cleanse your body, lose weight and feel great!
For more info, click on the logo
Make a friend's day:
Forward him or her or it the link to this issue of the Cosmic Chronicle!
If you want to subscribe, just fill in the form below.