|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 1, Issue 1 -- 06.01.2008|
|Sinister plot to conquer
Aliens clone George W. Bush
By Ace Sweeney
Seeing how much damage one George W. Bush has done to the world, the aliens believe that a few hundred of them could wipe out all human life in a matter of years, if not months, says the extraterrestrial expert who ripped the lid off the shocking scheme.
“In seven years as president, George W. Bush has wreaked havoc on the environment, upset the delicate balance of power in the Middle East and brought scientific research to a standstill,” notes
The plot was uncovered after Klaatu intercepted a transmission from the ETs’ home planet in the Sirius star system. He tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the aliens plan to clone Bush from a single viable brain cell.
“Even though the aliens’ cloning techniques are far superior to anything we humans can even imagine, to accomplish their goal they need to clone a viable brain cell from the cerebral cortex to replicate a grown adult with the same memories, beliefs and capacity for catastrophic mistakes as the original,” explains Klaatu.
Although some people have questioned whether Bush has any viable brain cells, one cloning expert confirms that he must.
“If he didn’t, he wouldn’t even be able to do what Dick Cheney tells him,” says Dr. Alfred E. Einstein, executive director of the prestigious Acme Stem Cell Institute in
Klaatu adds that the aliens’ plan skirts intergalactic laws designed to prevent advanced species from disrupting the evolution of lower life forms, such as human beings.
“With their advanced technologies and WPDs (weapons of planetary destruction), the aliens could easily wipe out all life on earth in a matter of minutes,” says Klaatu. “But that would violate the prime directive of the United Federation of Galaxies.
“This plan is insidiously clever. The Bush clones will cause our civilizations to destroy each other, and any societies left over would no doubt self-destruct under the influence of a Bush. It will appear to be just another example of natural selection.”
Klaatu warns that there is only one way to save mankind.
“The only way I see to stop the threat would be to destroy Bush’s brain,” he says. “To tell you the truth, he doesn’t seem to use it very much anyway.”
Breaking news: "Flush" Gordon in orbit
Plumber blasts off to fix ISS toiletBy Jim McNutt
“Our engineers can figure out the most complex aerodynamic algorithms, but when it comes to fixing a broken toilet they’re as helpless as a socialite,” admits NASA administrator Michael Griffin. “So we had to go with a professional.”
That presented problems for the cash-strapped
“We called as soon as we started having problems with the space station’s zero-gravity toilet, and the Service USA dispatcher said they’d have a plumber out here on the day of the launch between the hours of noon and 5 p.m.” explains
"When I asked if they could narrow down the timeframe, the dispatcher said that the best they could do was to have the plumber call us 15 minutes before he arrived -- and that we were lucky to get one at all on a Saturday on such short notice.”
The plumber, William “Flush” Gordon, managed to join the shuttle crew at the last minute.
“I had nasty septic tank backup to deal with in
Even though Gordon's shuttle crewmates may not be breathing easier with him aboard, NASA honcho
“We were really over a barrel,” he admits. “The suction fan in the toilet is malfunctioning and if we don’t get it fixed pronto, the you-know-what is literally going to hit the fan!”
Next issue: What really happened to Osama bin Laden
Americans are so toxic, if we were cannibals the FDA would declare our meat unfit for human consumption!
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