|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 1, Issue 3 -- 07.01.2008|
George Lucas missing
Lander finds lightsaber on Mars
By Annie Matter
“As far as anyone can tell, George Lucas is nowhere on Earth,” says NSA lead investigator Tyler Biggs. “And R2D2 and C3PO aren’t talking.”
Shortly after the shocking June 24 discovery of the lightsaber on Mars, Lucas’ nearest neighbor,
“It sure looked to be the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy,” he recalls. "George must've been in a hurry to get the heck out of Dodge."
Just minutes earlier,
“While retrieving the lightsaber,
Mission leader Smith adds that the hydraulic leak was quickly staunched and damage to
Since Stars Wars is set “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,” Klaatu theorizes that Lucas is really a Jedi knight sent into the future to combat the Dark Side.
“But it might not matter so much now that Dick Cheney and his acolytes are almost out of office,” Klaatu tells the Cosmic Chronicle. “With this historic discovery, George Lucas’ cover has quite obviously been blown.
"I don’t blame him for fleeing Earth. If he’d stuck around, he may have ended up in
Uranus crisis looming
Pluto walkout averted at last moment
Ever since runty Pluto was stripped of planetary status on Aug. 24, 2006, it has been distressed and it recently threatened to leave the solar system completely, says Sanford Beech, spokesman for the Confederation of Outer Planets.
“First, they name the planet after a god of the dead, then Disney gives the same name to that stupid, slobbering cartoon dog, then they demote it to ‘dwarf’ status,” notes Beech. “How much indignity can one heavenly body take?”
“Demoting poor little Pluto after all these years was like losing a member of the family,” admits Jana Ticha, chair of the IAU Committee on Small Body Nomenclature. “The least we could do was to toss Pluto this bone.”
While the former ninth planet has apparently been satisfied, Beech warns that the Solar System's seventh planet, Uranus, is now demanding a name change.
“Uranus wants to change its name to something cooler, like Xanadu or James Bond,” says Beech. “After all, how would you like to be named Uranus and go though eternity sounding like an asshole?”
Next issue: Death of a legend
Pesticides, fertilizers and other modern agricultural practices are stripping the soil of essential minerals and devastating the nutritional value of crops at an alarming rate.
So what're you gonna do?
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