|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 13 -- 07.01.2009|
Outrage over King of Pop’s death
Alien entity killed MichaelBy Annie Matter
“All aliens inhabiting human bodies are required by the Prime Directive to not harm them,” says galactic law expert Samuel T. Cogley. “But it appears that the Directive was broken in this case.”
“We saw this coming for a long time,” says noted UFOlogist Morton P. Snodgrass.
The alien is a youth from the planet Rellirth in the Sirius Star System. Its name is being withheld because it is still a juvenile in the eyes of galactic law. The 50-year project was equal to just a semester abroad for the 8th-grade Rellirthian, whose species’ lifespan averages approximately 4,123 Earth years.
“The Rellirthian entered
“First, it coaxed
The big moment came at 12:20:57 p.m.,
“Without the super-potent alien life force powering the body, it quickly shut down due to the massive amounts of drugs and Pepsi in it,” explains Snodgrass. “It’s really ironic. After
Urgent medical alert
CDC declares Jacko OD epidemicBy Dr. Frank N. Stein
The affliction has already claimed seven deaths.
“One man who couldn’t get the Jackson 5 song ABC out of his mind ran screaming from his house with his hands covering his ears and got run over by dump truck,” says CDC spokesman Milton Phlegm. “In another case, a construction worker moonwalked right off the 11th story of a condo under construction in
The epidemic is expected to continue until
Says Phlegm: “Anyone experiencing symptoms of Michael Jackson overdose should call the CDC hotline at 888-JACKO-OD!”
White House bugged!
President Obama swatted a spy flyBy Justin Hale
White House correspondent
Now, top national security experts are trying to determine if the fly was working for a foreign government or was part of a global conspiracy of insects bent on eliminating their greatest threat to survival -- mankind.
“Our first thought was the Chinese, who are inscrutable by nature and known to use flies to spy on their own people,” says a high-placed official in the National Security Agency. “But it also could be a plot by some nutcase like Kim Jong II, Osama bin Laden or Dick Cheney.
As the Cosmic Chronicle’s exclusive photo of the fly moments before the President killed it shows, the insect was equipped with a miniature video camera.
“This presents the biggest security threat to the country since George W. Bush started drinking again,” says the NSA official. “And if there was one bugged bug in there you have to assume there are others.”
To handle the emergency, the White House called in Carl Spackler, a former
“My enemy, my foe, is an insect,” says Spackler, who went into the exterminating business after he was canned from his groundskeeper job for blowing up the golf course. “In order to conquer the insect, I have to learn to think like an insect.”
But famed entomologist Dr. Larva Hatcher, of the Wings ‘n’ Things Institute, warns that the late fly could be part of a greater conspiracy by insects to take over the Earth.
“Insects have been at war with mankind ever since Homo habilis swatted his first mosquito about 2 million years ago,” says Hatcher. “But now the bugs appear to be fighting back in an organized, high-tech fashion.
“At least that’s the buzz around here.”
Spackler, 58, warns that a White House infestation poses a bona fide national security threat.
“If a fly can carry a teeny- tiny video camera, think what a roach could do,” he says. “We’re talking bio and chemical weapons -- and we can’t rule out a small nuclear device.”
But the intrepid exterminator vows to clean up the White House.
Says Spackler: “In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, bugs!’”
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