|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 15 -- 08.01.2009|
Jews are immune to swine flu virusBy Dr. Frank N. Stein
“Apparently, the swine flu isn’t kosher,” quips Dr. Sal Monella, an infectious disease expert at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “Actually, we theorize that the Jews’ long history of shunning pork must be ingrained in their DNA, and for reasons we’ve yet to determine, their bodies naturally repel the swine flu virus.”
Although the swine flu is sweeping the planet, there have been no cases at all reported in
“Swine flu, shmine flu,” scoffs Sheldon Goldblatt, an 83-year-old resident of
Researchers are now feverishly trying to develop a vaccine from the Jews' swine flu-slaying antibodies.
“We have one so far,” reveals Dr. Monella. “And preliminary tests show it’s effective and has no side effects except for an increased tendency to be a little tight with a buck.”
Once word got out about the Chosen People’s immunity to the disease, numerous anti-Semitic groups proclaimed the swine flu to be a sinister Jewish plot.
“This epidemic is clearly all the Jews’ fault,” blasts Leroy Kuntz, spokesman for the Aryan Society for Survival by Willfully Inflaming Peabrains Everywhere [ASSWIPE]. “Once those brainy little Jew scientists start working on something,
Even reclusive terrorist kingpin Osama bin Laden emerged from hiding to declare: “Kill all the Jews! Kill all the pigs
But the CDC’s Dr. Monella points out it’s really a good thing that Jews are immune to the scourge.
“At least we’ll have plenty of doctors who can’t catch the swine flu available to treat the rest of us,” he explains. “Hopefully, they won’t stick it to us too much -- and I’m not talking about needles!”
Sally & Stella Stackhouse
Paris Hilton exposed as hologram“I always thought I was about as shallow as a person can be but
BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.--Paris Hilton’s best friend forever from last year, Las Vegas rocker Brittany Flickinger, has ripped the lid off a stunning secret about the famed celebutante -- she’s really a hologram!
“Normally, you can see her and touch her and all. But sometimes, like when her power supply or whatever wavers, she kinda fades out.”
“I went to hug her and my arms passed right through her body,” recalls
“So I didn’t -- and the bitch dumped me anyway. So now I’m gonna tell everyone that Paris Hilton is, like, a bigger airhead than anyone even realized, for sure!”
Jennifer Aniston finds puppy loveMALIBU, CALIF.--After dating just about every eligible man in
The sweethearts met while shooting the hit flick Marley & Me..
“We were friendly on the set but didn’t really get to know each other because I was hitting on [her human co-star] Owen [
Since her divorce from heartthrob Brad Pitt in 2005, the 40-year-old former Friends star has been romantically linked to British model Paul Sculfor, rocker John Mayer, actors Gerald Butler, Bradley Cooper, David Schwimmer and Vince Vaughn, her ex-beau Tate Donovan and others, including animated Watchmen hero Doctor Manhattan.
“He was sooo two-dimensional,” says Aniston about
But she gushes over Bowser and downplays their 36-year age difference.
“He may only be four years old, but that works out to be 28 in human years and he’s very mature for his age,” she says. “He’s also sweet, warm, loyal and cuddly - everything a girl could want.
“He even licks his own balls!”
In memory of José Antonio Prado
Rest in Peace, Piey. We love you.
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