Cosmic Chronicle

Murderous spacemen on the loose

Sheriff Joe vaporized by illegal aliens

By Jim McNutt
National correspondent
MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZ. – Tough guy Sheriff Joe Arpaio, famous for his no-holds-barred pursuit of undocumented immigrants, tragically lost his life when he tried to arrest a pair of illegal aliens -- from outer space!
“I warned Sheriff Joe that maybe we should let these guys go, seeing how they didn’t look like your typical border-hopping beaners,” says deputy sheriff Wayne P. Kuntz. “But he just wouldn’t listen.”

Not so tough after all -- the late Sheriff Joe

    Arpaio, 76, and deputies tracked down the aliens near the U.S.-Mexican border in southern Arizona. The duo appeared to be collecting cacti and other desert flora. When confronted by the sheriff, the earless aliens didn’t speak but somehow projected their thoughts, explaining that they were from a planet called Bambutu and came in peace, according to the police report.
    “At that point,” Kuntz recalls, “Sheriff Joe says, ‘Bambutu, Dorkutu -- I don’t care if they come straight from Buckingham Palace. If they don’t got green cards, they’re going to jail.’”
    The sheriff reportedly drew his handgun. Sadly, that was the last thing he did.
    “One of the aliens just pointed at Sheriff Joe, and the next thing I know Sheriff Joe is no longer there,” says Kuntz. “All that was left of him was some brownish slime on the ground, kind of like a wad of spit tobacco.”

Police sketch of the suspects

    It was a sudden and inglorious end for Arpaio, who dubbed himself “America’s Toughest Sheriff” after taking office in 1992 and instituting a series of draconian measures in the Maricopa County Jail. Among other things, he made the male inmates wear pink underwear, fed them green baloney sandwiches and – talk about your cruel and unusual punishment -- piped Newt Gringrich speeches through the jailhouse intercom. On the plus side, he started female chain gangs.
    Arpaio’s department also boasted of rounding up more than 15,000 illegal immigrants. But the two aliens who got away are still on the lam and considered “four-armed and dangerous.”
    President George W. Bush praised Arpaio and vowed to track down the murderous fugitives from Bambutu.
    “Sheriff Joe was a true American hero who certainly didn’t deserve to wind up looking like a wad of spit tobacco,” said Bush. “We’ll go the ends of the universe to hunt down the evildoers responsible for this cowardly act.
    "I just hope they’re not in Pakistan.”

Room for rent

Housing crunch hits space station

By Ivana Mann
International correspondent
PARIS, FRANCE -- Facing foreclosure on the International Space Station from a mortgage that is literally out of this world, ISS officials have decided to rent out a “room” in the orbiting complex!

International Space Station

“The real problem is that the consortium of nations that built the space station took out an adjustable rate mortgage to finance it and, quite frankly, it was more space station than they could realistically afford,” former Bear Stearns financial analyst Rosie Days tells the Cosmic Chronicle.
Terry Bowie, NASA’s acting chief financial officer adds that the original $25 billion estimate to build the space station has long been surpassed.

    “We now believe the price tag will exceed $100 billion,” says Bowie. “The only answer is to sublet a section of it and hope we can find a tenant.”
    Rent has been set at $1 million a month for a berth in the Russian-built Svezda module. Transportation is extra.
    “But the rent includes utilities and food, and it really is a cool place to hang out,” says Bowie.

'A cool place to hang out'

"Of course, there is a strict no pets allowed policy, and we require first and last month’s rent plus a security deposit.”
Bowie admits that the rental “room” might be a tough sell since it basically consists of a sleeping bag that attaches to a wall, meals that are mostly eaten through a straw and one zero-gravity toilet that is shared with up to six others.
“The line to the toilet may be long," says Bowie, "but the view is great!”