Cosmic Chronicle

New swine flu vaccine inoculates people against socialized medicine

By Mysti Lane
Pharmaceutical correspondent
ROCKVILLE, MD. -- In a bombshell world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that the new swine flu vaccine is designed to not only protect Americans against the deadly H1N1 virus but also against socialized medicine!

Swine flu vaccine

“This vaccine could annihilate health care reform for generations!” declares former pharmaceutical reseacher Marvin Stool, who blew the lid off the insidious plot.

Stool, 34, was a lab technician for Novavax, the swine flu vaccine’s manufacturer, when he discovered a diabolical brainwashing agent in the top-secret formula.

“A rogue enzyme inserted into the vaccine neutralizes a key socialization gene related to man’s instinct to band together for survival,” explains Stool. “Without it, people become more easily spooked, selfish and distrustful of any fully inclusive group, such as the federal government and Paris Hilton’s address book.”

Pharmaceutical historian Edward Woosey adds that anti-socialized medicine agents were actually developed during the Clinton administration and helped doom then first lady Hillary’s catastrophic attempts to overhaul health care.

“These agents have been inserted in seasonal flu shots since the mid-1990s,” says Woosey, author of Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Drugs But Were Too Fucked Up To Ask.

Health care reform protesters in Kansas

“But they only seemed to work on the weak-willed and feeble- minded, which may explain why so many of the affected are now disrupting town hall meetings, spreading inane rumors about death panels and otherwise doing the bidding of giant health care corporations that have been ripping them off for years.”

In a frightening development, preliminary tests of the new vaccine show that its super-potent brainwashing agent is effective in a much wider range of people, including Democrats.

“Health care reform is the biggest threat to the health care industry since the advent of preventative medicine,” says Stool, now living under an assumed name in an undisclosed location. “And that’s why they’re rushing the vaccine to the market.
"They want to

Stool in the Novavax labs

have the entire nation inoculated against socialized medicine before Congress can enact a new program.”

The whistleblower stresses that the conspiracy transcends Novavax to include several other pharmaceutical giants, insurance companies and funeral homes, all of which would benefit from the defeat of any kind of health care reform.

“These companies have been working together on a ‘final solution’ to socialized medicine since the Reagan era,” explains Stool. “And if a majority of the

U.S.

population gets the swine flu vaccine, it’s sure to kill health care reform -- even faster than Hillary Clinton!”
    Stool claims to have samples from the Novavax plant in Rockview, Md., that can prove all of his incredible allegations.
    But Novavax spokesman Joe Lyon calls the charges ridiculous.
    "They are simply the wild ravings of a disgruntled former employee," says Lyon. "But we do have a termination benefit he never collected, so if you could supply to us his address, I'm sure he' appreciate it. I know we would."

Castaway balloons to 490 lbs.

Man stranded on ‘desserted’ island

By Ted Mange
International correspondent

Simon Whipple

BORA BORA -- Many a castaway has been marooned on a deserted island -- but one British man spent 18 months on a desserted South Pacific isle teeming with all kinds of sweets.
“It was an incredible place,” says Simon Whipple, who was on a solo round-the-world voyage when his 37-foot sailboat sank in high seas in March 2008. “But if I spent another day there, I surely would have burst!”

Candy apple tree

Whipple, 27, was a lean 5-foot-10, 180-pound rugby player from Manchester before being stranded on a fantastical uncharted island in French Polynesia filled with the most incredible assortmentof delectible desserts.
“Cheesecake grew out of the ground like mushrooms, and there were licorice vines, candy apple trees, rock

Pixe Stix beach

candy cliffs, palm trees with giant gumballs, a Pixie Stix powder beach, chocolate milk lagoon and chocolate rabbits all over the place,” saysWhipple. “In fact, there was chocolate everywhere. I ate so much of it I actually started crapping Tootsie Rolls.”
    Whipple eventually piled on more than 300 pounds.
    “Everything was so tasty, and there was nothing else to do but eat,” he recalls. “At one point I built a little shack out of Pez bricks and taffy, but I wound up eating that, too.”
    With his weight pushing 500 pounds, the corpulent castaway finally decided to do something about it. He built a raft out of Lifesavers and rode the currents into a shipping lane. After three days, his bulk showed up on the radar of a passing freighter and the crew hauled him aboard with a cargo winch.

Chocolate milk lagoon

Despite the ordeal, Whipple says he’s happy to be alive and anxious to get back into decent shape. But he’s dreading one aspect of civilization.
“All those sweets and I didn’t have a toothbrush,” he moans. “I’m definitely not looking forward to my next visit to the dentist!”

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: gary@cosmiccafe.com.

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Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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