|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 19 -- 10.01.2009|
‘Rude’ flu strain is spreading fastBy Dr. Frank N. Stein
“It was spread around at town hall meetings – then in swingers’ clubs following town hall meetings across the nation.”
Like cancer, venereal disease and social conservatism, the affliction cuts through all social strata.
The recent rash of manner meltdowns by celebrities like rapper Kanye West, tennis pro Serena Williams and Congressional Rep. Joe Wilson, R–S.C., have stunned the world -- but scientists are blaming the bad behavior on a socially- crippling outbreak of the newly discovered FU2 flu bug.
Millions of Americans watched stunned as flu-stricken Serena Williams
When contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, Williams said: “Keep talking and we’ll see how far I can shove my %$#@- ing tennis racquet up your butt!”
In the same tournament, normally stoic Swiss superstar Roger Federer also cursed at an official, sending shockwaves through the stadium.
“Roger doesn’t normally even sweat during a match, so you know something was terribly wrong, you stupid %$#@ing idiot!” explains TV tennis analyst John McEnroe, who apparently caught a similar bug 30 years ago and never recovered.
“They just prejudiced against black men,” declared West, who was wearing a pink bow in his hair.
Notes Snott: “Even though Rep. Wilson was elected from the same state that sent legendary bigot Strom Thurman to Senate for nearly 48 years, his behavior was still way out of line.
Of course, drug companies are now racing to develop a FU2 vaccine, which sources say is like winning the lottery in the pharmaceutical industry.
“We love it when a new flu strain erupts,” confesses Joe Lyon, spokesman for swine flu vaccine developer Novavax. “The
But Dr. Snott doubts a rude flu vaccine will sell as well.
“First off, there are no debilitating flu symptoms like fever, cough, diarrhea and death,” he says. “Besides, the symptoms tend to go away when treated with several already established -- and more fun -- drugs, particularly Quaaludes.”
History is made!
Space alien finally speaks to U.N.By Annie Matter
Klaatu points out that the entity was obviously wearing an ill-fitting human disguise with an unnatural waxy complexion and facial hair that appeared to be drawn on with a black Sharpie marker. Furthermore, it had no sense of human logic as its rambling 96-minute speech made absolutely no sense at all.
“Sanitorians are notorious from sending to other planets ill-trained agents who are ignorant of local customs and protocol,” explains Klaatu. “Obviously, this entity didn’t do its homework.
“I suspect this is either a renegade agent or possibly just an outcast that’s been exiled to Earth.
“Nevertheless, this is the first alien entity to address a world body. Although we could have done better, it’s still a historic occasion!”
You read it here first!
Jacko craved to have kids at graveBOCA RATON, FLA. -- The bombshell news that Michael Jackson wanted to be surrounded by the spirits of dead children was revealed on Sept. 24 when the late pop star’s good pal Rabbi Shmuley Boteach released audio tapes he made of Jackson nine years ago.
The story made headlines around the world, but it was old news to Cosmic Chronicle readers.
They found out about
More than one week before notorious publicity hound Rabbi Boteach released snippets of the tapes in conjunction with the publication of his new book, The Michael Jackson Tapes, we reported that some of Jacko’s celebrity neighbors in The Great Mausoleum at
“Frankly, I don’t give a damn how big a star he was,” blasted
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