|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 11 -- 10.01.2010|
Mite-y economic help
Bedbug stimulus boosts job growthBy Bernie Roach
A Beltway insider has blown the lid off the secret stimulus program, code name Creepy-Crawly, noting that it is actually a rare bipartisan effort.
“If there’s one thing politicians from both sides of the aisle know about, it’s vermin,” explains the insider. “Besides, everyone on Capital Hill is really serious about the economy – campaign contributions are way down since the last election.”
But bedbugs could take a big bite out of the recession. And the exterminating business is already skyrocketing.
“Profits and itching are way up,” notes financial analyst Rosie Days.
In a desperate bid to keep Operation Creepy-Crawly top secret and totally unscrupulous, President Obama asked former Bush Administration officials Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to spearhead it.
Former Vice President Cheney immediately secured a no-bid government contract for the new Halliburton subsidiary, Dick’s Bugging & Debugging, Inc.
Meantime, the Obama administration initially sought funds for new technologies to fight the scourge, but former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld -- who recently joined the board of Terminix International -- insists that his company and other exterminators already have the necessary tools to win the battle.
Experts predict it’s going to be just that -- a very long, very profitable battle.
“Bedbugs are typically as difficult to get rid of as long-term Congressmen,” says noted pest annihilation expert D.D. Teigh. “And these were imported from
“Get them in a Marriott or Hilton and they really thrive!”
In a bid to target the rich, Obama ordered the newly renamed Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearm and Bedbug Bureau to focus on infesting 4- and 5-star hotels.
“People who can afford to stay in hotels that run upwards of $200 a night will foot most of the bill in the War on Bedbugs,” says the Beltway insider. “It’s really a great game plan. Operation Creepy-Crawly is good for business but doesn't burden the middle class or raise taxes. Everyone wins – except fat cats and bedbugs!”
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