Cosmic Chronicle

Republicans crying ‘foul!’

Obama gets his own constellation

By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic correspondent
OSLO, NORWAY -- In a development that has rocked the political world, the International Astronomy Union has officially changed the name of the famed constellation Orion the Hunter to Obama the Reformer!

Barack Obama

“We believe in change,” declares IAU honcho Sarah Bellum. “It’s been thousands of years since that group of stars has been called Orion, and we decided that's long enough.
“After all, all Orion did was hunt. Barack Obama symbolizes a new beginning for all mankind.”

But Republicans are crying foul, saying that the unprecedented move four days before the U.S. presidential election is “clearly designed to influence undecided voters” while “belittling one of our greatest constellations.”

Orion the Hunter

    Rick Davis, the beleaguered campaign manager for GOP candidate John McCain, was quick to blast the IAU’s decision.
    “This is unacceptable,” says Davis. “Just because the Bush administration has set science back decades they take it out on us. Well, John McCain is not George W. Bush. In fact, he even believes in evolution.”
    Bellum insists the IAU’s aim wasn’t politically motivated and says they also honored the Arizona senator by changing the name of a distant globular cluster from M-72 to McCain-72.
    “We chose M-72 because its Messier number is the same as John McCain’s age,” explains Bellum.
    But Davis isn’t satisfied.

John McCain

    “Obama gets Orion and we get some no-name globular cluster?” he fumes. “The least they could have done was to give us Sagittarius or Taurus the Bull. ‘Globular cluster’ sounds like some kind of tumor.”
    Bellum ruled out Davis’ suggestions, noting, “You really don’t want to mess with signs of the zodiac due to astrological ramifications.”
    But she seems to have no reservations about giving Orion an extreme makeover.
    “Instead of hunting as Orion was doing, Obama the Reformer is giving an electrifying speech,” explains Bellum. “And in place of a sword at his belt, he has an olive branch.
    “We’ve also renamed the three stars that make up his belt, changing them from Mantaka, Alnitak and Alnilam to Michelle, Malia and Sasha, Obama’s wife and daughters.”

Charlton Heston

The IAU’s action not only drew fire from Republicans but also the National Rifle Association’s late president Charlton Heston, who was interviewed by the Cosmic Chronicle’s newest staff member, spiritual correspondent Krystal Ball. “Chuck was outraged that a gun control proponent like Obama was taking Orion the Hunter’s place,” says Ball, who channeled Heston’s spirit. “He told me he thought a better choice would have been [Sarah] Palin the Predator because ‘like Orion, she knows how to handle a weapon and has actually killed things.’”

Krystal Ball joins Cosmic Chronicle staff

The Cosmic Chronicle is pleased to introduce its newest staff member, renowned spiritualist Krystal Ball.

Krystal Ball

    Ball, 35, once a teen phenom, has channeled numerous spirits over the past two decades, including Presidents Washington, Lincoln, both Roosevelts and Kennedy.
    “JFK actually asked me for a date,” Ball says with a giggle. “Teddy Roosevelt explained exactly what he meant about carrying a big stick, and I can’t even tell you what Washington asked me to do under a cherry tree.
    “Seems all the great leaders have just one thing on their minds, and it’s not politics!
    Ball grew up in rural Arkansas and realized she had a gift while praying in church one day.
    “Jesus talked back to me,” she recalls. “He said to forget about all the sin and damnation the pastor was preaching and ‘just go out and have some fun without hurting yourself or anyone else.’”
    Ball has since channeled luminaries ranging from Mahatma Gandhi to Anna Nicole Smith.

Heston as Moses

    “Actually, they’re the same spirits in successive incarnations,” notes Ball. “After living a life of sacrifice and self-discipline, that soul needed a little excess.
    “It’s really all about balance.”
    Ball’s interview with Heston was her first with the screen legend, who famously played Moses in The Ten Commandments and died in April following a heartbreaking battle with Alzheimer’s disease.
    “He still reminds me of Moses,” says Ball. “In fact, he’s more like Moses than Moses is.”