Cosmic Debris is a free humor column including science fiction humor, family humor, observational humor, and other types of humor
along with a few serious and/or poignant thoughts by award-winning newspaper columnist Gary Greenberg.
Cosmic Debris
  by Gary Greenberg

Of Apes and Men

    Much ado has been made about the recent news that the human genome is
now totally mapped. Well, almost. Scientists from the government-backed Human
Genome Project have announced that they’ve completed 97 percent of the human
genome, which seems to be close enough for government work.
    Oddly enough, I’ve heard it said that chimpanzees and humans share 99
percent of each other’s genetic makeup. So the human genome map is complete for
human beings who are approximately two percent less human than chimpanzees,
which would include some professional wrestlers and most law enforcement
    In any case, it seems as though this genome project has been dragging on
forever. It must be ten years or more ago that an international effort was first
made to map the genome. The various governments of various countries got
together and took three years just to come up with a suitable name for the project,
and since then have been hurtling along the genome trail at the blazing speed of
genetically-altered grass, which grows about as fast as astro-turf. They might still
be struggling over details-such as the last 3 percent of the genome which separates
man from beast–if it hadn’t been for Celera Genomics.
    Celera Genomics is a private company which not only has a cooler name than
the Human Genome Project but also some fancy-shmancy computers that the
governments of the world probably couldn’t afford. These computers managed to
help Celera Genomics scientists sequence the 3.12 billion chemical base pairs that
make up the complete human genome in a scant three years.
    Both Celera Genomics and the Human Genome Project have identified many
genes that cause horrific hereditary diseases, such as cystic fibrosis, hemophilia
and trash talking. The projects have also isolated the genes that make us
susceptible to diseases previously thought to be caused by environmental factors,
including  alcoholism, cancer and televagelism.  My question is: Why are they always
focusing on the bad genes? Why don’t they look at the bright side and focus on the
really important genetic stuff like vertical leap, 40-yard dash time and brassiere cup
    Speaking of brassiere cup size, over in Scotland scientists who have trouble
sleeping are cloning sheep. They named the first one Dolly after well-endowed Dolly
Parton because the cell that Dolly the sheep was cloned from came from a mammary
gland of an apparently well-endowed female sheep, also called a ewe. (Having a five-
year-old Pokeson who roped me into seeing the first Pokemon movie, ‘Mew Two,’ I
personally would have named the cloned sheep ‘Ewe Two.’) Some people probably
think that the name Dolly was a real stretch, probably women people who couldn’t
follow the logic. For guys, however, put the words ‘Dolly’ and ‘mammary’ together
and we all immediately envision Dolly Parton, or at least her most prominent
    But we started this column talking about genomes, and we really must get
back to the more current genetic-based news, even if it has nothing to do with
mammary glands. Along with the unraveling of the human genome comes
responsibility. Soon, we will no doubt have the power to control our genetic make-
up, and like any make-up, if we overdo it, we might end up looking like Tammy Faye
Bakker.  If we could choose the genetic make-up of our offspring, the world would
be left with a bunch of Olympians and no midgets, bearded ladies and gay boy
scouts. Are we truly on our way to Hitler’s Aryan race?
    Am I suddenly being too serious for a humor column?
    Okay. Let’s lighten up a little. The one thing more important than the ethical
repercussions of genetic engineering are the economic repercussions. As we speak,
companies are lining up to patent pieces of the human genome, sticking their little
corporate flags in the newly discovered territories along the double helix trail. Can
you see the futures market in ten years? The low cholesterol gene trading right
alongside pork bellies?
    Of course, there is a big debate over whether or not it’s ethical to patent
genetic information. I’m sure attorneys will sort out the answer, if and when they
ever figure out what the word ‘ethical’ means.
    Darn! Now I’m getting sarcastic. This genome stuff must bring out the worst
in me. Maybe if I wasn’t a short, prematurely gray and balding, far-sighted, crooked-
nosed, knobby-kneed, gut-drifting specimen of the human species, I wouldn’t be so
bitter about the dawning of this new era. Yet even I can see that there’s plenty of
room for optimism. With 97 percent of the human genome already in the bank, we’re
sure to start churning out some pretty perfect people soon, or at the very least
some darn good chimpanzees.

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