Cosmic Debris is a free humor column including science fiction humor, family humor, observational humor, and other types of humor
along with a few serious and/or poignant thoughts by award-winning newspaper columnist Gary Greenberg.
Cosmic Debris
by Gary Greenberg

Sales Ova-ture
     As we stand at the threshold of a brave new millennium, we find ourselves
able to perform wondrous feats of technological magic.
    For example, we are learning how to re-engineer genes to cure previously
incurable afflictions such as cancer, multiple sclerosis and Jesse Helms.
    We can now quite literally see to the ends of the universe, where nothing
exists except for faint traces of Donald Trumpís ego.
    We can drive and talk on the phone at the same time (Note: although this is
technologically possible, it has never been scientifically proven that driving and
talking on the phone are humanly possible, especially in Miami).
    And now, through the modern miracles of the Internet, bio-technics and
collagen implants, we can bid for fashion model ova via e-mail.
    Thatís right. If you want a child who looks good in clothes and youíre willing to
pay handsomely for it, a web site is currently conducting auctions for fashion model
eggs. Bids start at anywhere from $15,000-$150,000 and go up from there. To the
highest bidder goes the prize: a farm fresh, Grade A fashion model egg suitable for
test tube (or other) fertilization and implantation into the uterus of your choice.
    The auctioneer, a fashion photographer named Ron, claims, ďThis is Darwin at
his very best. Itís the butterfly thatís the prettiest that gets the guys.Ē
    Darwin would probably be amused over this whole thing if he hadnít been dead
for more than a century. It would be reassuring for him to know that although his
theory of evolution has come under continual attack from TV evangelists and
Midwestern school boards, it still has the steadfast support of a fashion
photographer named Ron.
    Of course, if old Charlie were still around, he might want to re-think his
famous theory at this point. For millions of years, evolution has been shaped by a
process known as natural selection, or survival of the fittest. Natural selection is
why elephants have trunks, why giraffes have long necks and why rednecks have
beer guts. Through the millennia, natural selection has constantly fine-tuned and
strengthened every species (except maybe TV evangelist species) so that they can
best cope with their environments. But suddenly, here comes a fashion
photographer named Ron whoís changing the whole darn thing.
    Thanks to Ron, the driving force behind evolution will now start to shift from
natural selection to market value. The genes that will propagate and thrive will be
those that are most marketable.  Seeing how Ronís web site was reported to have
received more than five million hits and bids up to $42,000 on its first day, it would
seem as though the genes most valued by our society are those that belong to the
most physically attractive people, or at least people who ďtake a good picture.Ē
    Other less relevant genetic attributes, such as intelligence, congenital health
and vertical leap, donít warrant even a mention at the fashion model ova auction web
site. After all, as Ron would no doubt say: ďOne picture sells a thousand genes.Ē
    But do looks really matter so much to people who arenít fashion
photographers? Do we want beautiful, vapid, narcissistic children or do we want
well-rounded ones?
    Iím sure you would all agree with me that having a healthy, bright and well-
balanced child is much more important than having one who just looks great in a pair
of Calvin Kleinís. So this is why, if youíre looking for ova, youíve come to the right
    I now have to offer a select few of my lovely wife Noraís ova. When she was
younger, Nora was as beautiful as any of Ronís models, evident by the following
photo of her with a young sea turtle named Waldo.

    Nora comes from healthy stock, evident by her familyís unfortunate history
of longevity, not to mention good teeth. She has held up well through the years,
evident by the fact that you wonít find even one gray hair in her head for weeks
after she visits the beauty parlor. She is extremely intelligent, evident by the fact
that she married me. She also has a wonderful sense of humor, evident by the fact
that she married me.
    Another reason to choose Noraís ova over a modelís is that she has already
proven how good they are, evident by our son Glen. Glen is the most beautiful,
intelligent and perfect child in the world, and if you donít believe me, just ask either
one of his grandmothers. Most of the models on Ronís web site have no children,
therefore, their ova are unknown qualities.
    And although good genetic make-up is indeed priceless, we must point out
Noraís ova are far more economical than fashion model ova. Weíd be willing to part
with them for a mere $9,999.95 apiece, and that includes shipping and handling.
Furthermore, if you order today, youíll get a free do-it-yourself in-vitro fertilization
kit so that intra-uterine implantation can be done where it belongs, in the privacy of
your own kitchen (drop-cloth included).
    If youíre looking for the right ova at the right price, shop no more. Noraís ova
are the way to go.
    Supplies are limited, so donít delay.
    Call 1-800-NORA OVA and order today!

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