along with a few serious and/or poignant thoughts by award-winning newspaper columnist Gary Greenberg.
Cosmic Debris
by Gary Greenberg
Sales Ova-ture
As
we stand at the threshold of a brave new millennium, we find ourselves
able to perform wondrous feats of technological
magic.
For example, we are learning
how to re-engineer genes to cure previously
incurable afflictions such as cancer, multiple
sclerosis and Jesse Helms.
We can now quite literally
see to the ends of the universe, where nothing
exists except for faint traces of Donald
Trump’s ego.
We can drive and talk
on the phone at the same time (Note: although this is
technologically possible, it has never been
scientifically proven that driving and
talking on the phone are humanly possible,
especially in Miami).
And now, through the
modern miracles of the Internet, bio-technics and
collagen implants, we can bid for fashion
model ova via e-mail.
That’s right. If you
want a child who looks good in clothes and you’re willing to
pay handsomely for it, a web site is currently
conducting auctions for fashion model
eggs. Bids start at anywhere from $15,000-$150,000
and go up from there. To the
highest bidder goes the prize: a farm fresh,
Grade A fashion model egg suitable for
test tube (or other) fertilization and implantation
into the uterus of your choice.
The auctioneer, a fashion
photographer named Ron, claims, “This is Darwin at
his very best. It’s the butterfly that’s
the prettiest that gets the guys.”
Darwin would probably
be amused over this whole thing if he hadn’t been dead
for more than a century. It would be reassuring
for him to know that although his
theory of evolution has come under continual
attack from TV evangelists and
Midwestern school boards, it still has the
steadfast support of a fashion
photographer named Ron.
Of course, if old Charlie
were still around, he might want to re-think his
famous theory at this point. For millions
of years, evolution has been shaped by a
process known as natural selection, or survival
of the fittest. Natural selection is
why elephants have trunks, why giraffes
have long necks and why rednecks have
beer guts. Through the millennia, natural
selection has constantly fine-tuned and
strengthened every species (except maybe
TV evangelist species) so that they can
best cope with their environments. But suddenly,
here comes a fashion
photographer named Ron who’s changing the
whole darn thing.
Thanks to Ron, the driving
force behind evolution will now start to shift from
natural selection to market value. The genes
that will propagate and thrive will be
those that are most marketable. Seeing
how Ron’s web site was reported to have
received more than five million hits and
bids up to $42,000 on its first day, it would
seem as though the genes most valued by
our society are those that belong to the
most physically attractive people, or at
least people who “take a good picture.”
Other less relevant genetic
attributes, such as intelligence, congenital health
and vertical leap, don’t warrant even a
mention at the fashion model ova auction web
site. After all, as Ron would no doubt say:
“One picture sells a thousand genes.”
But do looks really matter
so much to people who aren’t fashion
photographers? Do we want beautiful, vapid,
narcissistic children or do we want
well-rounded ones?
I’m sure you would all
agree with me that having a healthy, bright and well-
balanced child is much more important than
having one who just looks great in a pair
of Calvin Klein’s. So this is why, if you’re
looking for ova, you’ve come to the right
place.
I now have to offer a
select few of my lovely wife Nora’s ova. When she was
younger, Nora was as beautiful as any of
Ron’s models, evident by the following
photo of her with a young sea turtle named
Waldo.
Nora comes from healthy
stock, evident by her family’s unfortunate history
of longevity, not to mention good teeth.
She has held up well through the years,
evident by the fact that you won’t find
even one gray hair in her head for weeks
after she visits the beauty parlor. She
is extremely intelligent, evident by the fact
that she married me. She also has a wonderful
sense of humor, evident by the fact
that she married me.
Another reason to choose
Nora’s ova over a model’s is that she has already
proven how good they are, evident by our
son Glen. Glen is the most beautiful,
intelligent and perfect child in the world,
and if you don’t believe me, just ask either
one of his grandmothers. Most of the models
on Ron’s web site have no children,
therefore, their ova are unknown qualities.
And although good genetic
make-up is indeed priceless, we must point out
Nora’s ova are far more economical than
fashion model ova. We’d be willing to part
with them for a mere $9,999.95 apiece, and
that includes shipping and handling.
Furthermore, if you order today, you’ll
get a free do-it-yourself in-vitro fertilization
kit so that intra-uterine implantation can
be done where it belongs, in the privacy of
your own kitchen (drop-cloth included).
If you’re looking for
the right ova at the right price, shop no more. Nora’s ova
are the way to go.
Supplies are limited,
so don’t delay.
Call 1-800-NORA OVA and
order today!