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1st Anniversary Issue!!!
Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 11 -- 06.01.2009
Horseracing shocker
Preakness winner Rachel A. is no filly
By Jacques Strapp
Sports correspondent

, MD.
--The first filly to win the Preakness in 85 years stunned the horseracing world by bowing out of the Belmont Stakes -- to hide a shocking secret!
    Rachel Alexandra's handlers insist she needs more rest between the second and third legs of the Triple Crown, but track insiders tell the Cosmic Chronicle the fleet-footed 3-year-old is just trying to hide the fact that she's no lady horse!
Rachel Alexandra
Rachel Alexandra beating the boys 
   DNA tests on Rachel Alexandra have left no doubt -- she is a he!
“Rachel’s birth name is Richard Alexander,” reveals noted  thorough- bred historian Andy Capper, who blew the lid off the scandal. “So all this talk about a filly outrunning the colts is a bunch of horse manure!”

    Neil Canter, the brown beauty's groom, confirms that Rachel was born a male.

    “But he wasn’t like all the other colts growing up,” says Canter. “He was more into being curried and brushed and having his mane braided than running with the pack.”

    Richard Alexander also showed no inkling that he had any speed at all.

    “It was hard to get him to even break into a trot,” recalls Canter. “He was always so worried about mussing up his mane or chipping a hoof.”

    Famed equine psychologist Dr. Sigmund Sphincter finally diagnosed the problem.

    “Richard Alexander was clearly a filly trapped in a colt’s body,” explains Sphincter. “And he certainly wasn’t going to run like the wind carrying a weight like that around.”

Rachel Alexandra
Rachel shortly after the operation
    When Sphincter caught Richard trying to take the place of a horse set to be gelded, he realized how desperate the sexually-confused colt was and recommended transgender surgery.
    “The truth is, I knew that simply castrating him wouldn’t be enough,” says Sphincter. “He needed to become a she.”

    At that point, Richard Alexander changed his name to Rachel Alexandra and began hormone therapy.
    The revolutionary surgery was then performed at Ruffian Memorial Animal Hospital near the horse’s home stable in Kentucky.

    “As soon as she recovered from the operation, she was outrunning all the colts,” notes Canter. “She just loves having the boys chase after her!” 

Nets 8 GPA awards
Chronicle named best newcomer in galaxy
BOCA RATON, FLA.--The Cosmic Chronicle celebrated its first anniversary in grand style, winning honors as the best new newspaper in the Milky Way by the Galactic Press Association!
Cosmic Chronicle dispenser on the moon

The Chronicle also took home seven individual honors.
    “This has to be the most extraordinary debut in GPA history,” exclaims galactic media analyst Perry White III, grandson of the legendary Daily Planet editor. “In one year the Cosmic Chronicle has proven itself capable of taking on the big boys in the interstellar news game -- and winning!”
The Chronicle’s total of eight awards was surpassed only by the prestigious grand dame of Milky Way newspapers, the Sirius Star- Sentinel. The Star-Sentinel, which has been in business for 102,356 years, garnered 11 awards.
The Chronicle’s crack intragalactic correspondent, Ace Sweeney, took top honors in the investigative journalism category for exposing a sinister alien plot to destroy Earth by cloning then president George W. Bush in our debut issue, June 1, 2008.
Ace Sweeney
Ace Sweeney
Sweeney also earned a third-place award in the breaking news category for his Dec.15 report about Somali pirates hijacking an alien spaceship.
National correspondent Jim McNutt took first place in the local news category with his Aug.15 story detailing how anti-immigration crusader, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, was vaporized while trying to bust illegal aliens -- from outer space.
Crime correspondent Jack T. Ripper won second place in the crime category for his Jan.15 expose of an evil Saudi national who kidnapped fashion models to harvest their ova, then sold the beauties’ eggs to rich Arabs with ugly wives.
Another second place was won by the Chronicle’s intrepid sports reporter Jacques Strapp, who recounted the tragic outcome of the Rocky vs. Predator bout in our July 15 issue.
The Chronicle also notched two honorable mentions, one for religion correspondent Peter Paul Matthews’ March 15 story about experts declaring Octomom Nadya Sulemen to be the new Madonna and the other for lifestyle correspondent Seymour Weiner’s May 1 feature on the new Internet dating service for aliens, aHarmony.
“I’m over the moon,” exclaims the Chronicle’s editor-in-chief Gary Greenberg. “I couldn’t be prouder -- even if I’d won all of those awards myself!”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductable on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to:
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Gary Greenberg

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