|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 1, Issue 7 -- 09.01.2008|
Bizarro World names Fox News
most 'fair & balanced' in galaxy
By Ace Sweeney
SILOPORTEM, HTRAE -- Fox News has been crowned the Most Fair and Balanced news organization in the Milky Way galaxy by the inhabitants of Bizarro World.
But Fox News honchos are refusing to acknowledge the award!
“So being praised by these idiots is nothing to crow about. It’s kind of like being endorsed for political office by George W. Bush.”
Bizarro Superman No. 1, an imperfect clone of the DC Comics superhero, said at a news conference, “Me am not here to announce this dishonor. I don't always watch Fox News because it are most fair and balanced newscast on VT.”
Alien linguistics expert Dr. Hans Klaatu explains, “The statement actually means that Bizarro Superman No. 1 was present for the honor and does always watch Fox News on TV. Of course, when he calls it fair and balanced, that represents the exact opposite of the reality on Earth.”
The Bizarros also named top-rated cable news host Bill O’Reilly the galaxy's Best Commentator.
“I believe they have an affinity for O’Reilly because with his bad complexion and innate ability to effortlessly twist the truth, he reminds them of themselves,” notes media analyst White, grandson of the famed Metropolis Daily Planet editor-in-chief.
“They’re particularly impressed with his hypocrisy, a common Bizarro trait. At one point, the married father of two was self-righteously preaching family values while allegedly browbeating a female employee into listening to his creepy phone sex calls.”
O’Reilly eventually settled the woman’s 2004 sexual harassment lawsuit out of court, with insiders saying he gave her at least $2 million.
But in true Bizarro fashion, the O’Reilly Factor host declared on his show, “There was no wrongdoing in the case whatsoever by anyone.”
*Note: To protect the privacy of the woman who claims she was sexually
harassed by O’Reilly, the Cosmic Chronicle is not publishing her name.
But for a good time, try calling her at: 212-555-5683
Ziggy Stardust was no act!
David Bowie comes out as an alien
By Sally Stackhouse
“This really should come as no surprise,” said
“Ziggy should have been a tip-off,” said Bowie, who actually took off his human disguise for performances. “And The Man Who Fell to Earth should have been the clincher.”
“They really should have figured out I wasn’t from around here when I didn’t need a stuntman to fall to Earth,” adds
“We met at a Hard Rock Cafe in the Centaurus Galaxy before a black hole diving trip,” she recalls. “To tell the truth, I’ve always been a sucker for redheads with purple eyes.”
“Don’t be ashamed of your alien orientation,” he says. “Be proud, walk tall and remember, if all else fails, you can always be a rock star.”
|My favorite act from this
year's Philadelphia Folk Fest was
an all-star folk band.
Check out their music by clicking on their CD cover -- and enjoy!
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