Cosmic Chronicle

Tom Cruise leading exodus

Scientologists abandoning Earth!

By Jenny Tull
Religion correspondent
TREMENTINA, N.M. -- Disgusted with the way things have turned out on Earth and a downturn in their champion Tom Cruise’s film career, Church of Scientology members are leaving the planet!
Informed sources tell the Cosmic Chronicle that Cruise’s most recent flop, Lions for Lambs, and surefire flop-to-be, Valkyrie, were the final straws -- and now the Scientologists are secretly gathering at the cult’s Spiritual Technology base in the New Mexican desert for interstellar transport.

Cruise addressing the faithful

    “The Scientologists are sick and tired of being ridiculed and extremely disappointed in Tom Cruise’s box office take in recent years,” notes religious cult expert Ivan Fartun, of the San Francisco-based Effin-Wright Institute. “So they’ve decided to abandon Earth.”
    A confidential source in the Scientology hierarchy tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the cult members will rocket to a planet similar to Earth in the Delta Pavonis star system, a scant 19.9 light years away.
    “They’ll travel in a fleet of the same DC-8-like spacecraft that (the late Scientology founder) L. Ron Hubbard said the evil Galactic Confederacy ruler Xenu used to bring 1.4 trillion alien “people” to Earth 75 million years ago,” explains the source. “Of course, this time the seating will be a lot less cramped.”

The alien transport as described by L. Ron Hubbard

    Cruise, 46, is spearheading the exodus and will reportedly be joined by more than 100,000 other Scientologists, including celebrities John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Kirstie Alley and Greta Van Susteren. And Charles Manson, who studied Scientology during an early jail stint, says he’d join the cult if they could spring him from his present accommodations at California's Corcoran State Prison.
    “I’d really like to start another family someday -- and I don’t really care what planet I’m on,” says Manson, who serves as the Cosmic Chronicle’s celebrity advice columnist this issue (see below).
    Meanwhile, our Scientology insider reveals that the departing members will all be replaced by clones that have been grown in the cult’s genetic labs.
    “No one will even know they’re gone,” notes the source.
    But one celebrity Scientologist who won’t be making the trip is Cruise’s 29-year-old wife, Katie Holmes.
    “To tell you the truth, she never really believed in any of that stuff,” confides a close pal of the actress. “And she’s got high hopes that Cruise’s clone will be a lot more tolerable than the original.”

Celebrity Advice

By Charles Manson
Guest columnist

Q: My boyfriend and I have a really good relationship. The only problem is that he really doesn't have the world's best manners. He never opens the car door for me, helps me on with my coat or holds the chair for me in restaurants. He even chews with his mouth open. What on earth am I to do with him?

Missing Manners, Tyler, Tex.

A: Kill him.
Q: I take the bus to work and there's this kind of weird-looking guy who I see every day. He's always giving me creepy looks. He seems harmless enough, but he's really beginning to bug me. What should I do about it?
Uneasy Rider, New York, N.Y.
A: Gouge his eyes out with a rusty screwdriver -- then kill him.
Q: We get along pretty well with our next-door neighbors, except that their dog is always coming onto our property to do his business, and either me or one of the kids is always stepping in it. How can we get them to stop their dog from pooping on our lawn?
Stinky Shoes, Decataur, Ill.
A: Kill the dog. Then slaughter the whole family.