Cosmic Chronicle

News you won't find anywhere else...on Earth

aHarmony makes debut

Online matchmaker taps alien market

By Ralph Condom
Lifestyles correspondent
PASADENA, CALIF.--Internet match-making giant eHarmony has launched a new website catering to lonely aliens!
The site, called aHarmony, offers relationship services to the thousands of extraterrestrials clandestinely living on Earth, most of them involved with research projects and/or plots to take over the planet.
“There are a lot of unattached aliens living amongst us, and it’s exceedingly hard for them to connect,” says eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren

    But now, Warren adds, these visitors from far-flung worlds can find lasting love through aHarmony’s patented Alien Natural Unification System [ANUS].
    “One look at a client’s ANUS is all it takes for us to find a perfect match,” crows Warren, who is rumored to be an alien himself with antennae that only other aliens and very progressive humans can see.
    Like eHarmony, aHarmony requires participants to fill out a questionnaire to determine compatibility.
    Sample questions include:
    I have: a) brown eyes; b) blue eyes; c) green eyes; d) black eyes; e) three eyes
    Finding a partner of the same species is: a) imperative; b) very important; c) important; d) not important; e) irrelevant so long as I can mate with it
    My ideal partner has: a) beauty; b) intelligence; c) personality; d) super powers; e) tentacles.
    The questionnaire focuses more on sexual compatibility than its sister site, eHarmony, because of the wide variety of reproductive methods aliens practice.

Looking for love

    “Some of these species never mate while others never stop, kind of like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,” explains Warren.
    Since the aliens must remain undetected while on Earth, security is also a vital issue.
    “Imagine what would happen if the Men in Black could hack our system,” says Warren, who adds that having an alien matchmaking service also benefits humans.
    “As you may imagine, an alien in love would be less likely to wreak havoc on Earth than a sexually frustrated one.
    “So if you’re an alien looking for love, submit your ANUS to us and you’ll soon be on your way to a romance that’s truly out of this world!”

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