October 1999 -- As
we stand at the threshold of a brave new millennium, we find ourselves
able to perform wondrous feats of technological magic.
For example, we are learning
how to re-engineer genes to cure previously incurable afflictions such
as cancer, multiple sclerosis and Jesse Helms.
We can now
quite literally see to the ends of the universe, where nothing exists
except for faint traces of Donald Trump’s ego.
drive and talk on the phone at the same time (Note: although this is
technologically possible, it has never been scientifically proven that
driving and talking on the phone are humanly possible, especially in
through the modern miracles of the Internet, bio-technics and collagen
implants, we can bid for fashion model ova via e-mail.
right. If you want a child who looks good in clothes and
you’re willing to pay handsomely for it, a website is
currently conducting auctions for fashion model eggs. Bids start at
anywhere from $15,000-$150,000 and go up from there. To the
bidder goes the prize: a farm fresh, Grade A fashion model egg suitable
for test tube (or other) fertilization and implantation into the uterus
of your choice.
auctioneer, a fashion photographer named Ron, claims, “This
is Darwin at his very best. It’s the butterfly
that’s the prettiest that gets the guys.”
would probably be amused over this whole thing if he hadn’t
been dead for more than a century. It would be reassuring for him to
know that although his theory of evolution has come under continual
attack from TV evangelists and Midwestern school boards, it still has
the steadfast support of a fashion photographer named Ron.
if old Charlie were still around, he might want to re-think his famous
theory at this point. For millions of years, evolution has been shaped
by a process known as natural selection, or survival of the fittest.
Natural selection is why elephants have trunks, why
giraffes have long necks and why rednecks have beer guts. Through the
millennia, natural selection has constantly fine-tuned and strengthened
every species (except maybe TV evangelist species) so that they can
best cope with their
environments. But suddenly, here comes a fashion photographer named Ron
who’s changing the whole darn thing.
Ron, the driving force behind evolution will now start to shift from
natural selection to market value. The genes that will propagate and
thrive will be those that are most marketable. Seeing how
Ron’s web site was reported to have received more than five
million hits and bids up to $42,000 on its first day, it would seem as
though the genes most valued by our society are those that belong to
the most physically attractive people, or at least people who
“take a good picture.”
Other less relevant genetic
attributes, such as intelligence, congenital health and vertical leap,
don’t warrant even a mention at the fashion model ova auction
web site. After all, as Ron would no doubt say: “One picture
sells a thousand genes.”
But do looks really matter so
much to people who aren’t fashion
Do we want beautiful, vapid, narcissistic children or do we want
I’m sure you would
all agree with me that having a healthy, bright and well-balanced child
is much more important than having one who just looks great in a pair
of Calvin Klein’s. So this is why, if you’re
looking for ova, you’ve come to the right place.
I now have
to offer a select few of my lovely wife Nora’s ova. When she
was younger, Nora was as beautiful as any of Ron’s models,
evident by this photo of her with a young sea turtle named Waldo.
from healthy stock, evident by her family’s unfortunate
history of longevity, not to mention good teeth. She has held up well
through the years, evident by the fact that you won’t find
even one gray hair in her head for weeks after she visits the beauty
parlor. She is extremely intelligent, evident by the fact that she
married me. She also has a wonderful sense of humor, evident by the
fact that she married me.
Another reason to choose
Nora’s ova over a model’s is that she has already
proven how good they are, evident by our son Glen. Glen is the most
beautiful, intelligent and perfect child in the world, and if you
don’t believe me, just ask either one of his grandmothers.
Most of the models on Ron’s web site have no children,
therefore, their ova are unknown qualities.
And although good genetic
make-up is indeed priceless, we must point out Nora’s ova are
far more economical than fashion model ova. We’d be willing
to part with them for a mere $9,999.95 apiece, and that includes
shipping and handling. Furthermore, if you order today,
you’ll get a free do-it-yourself in-vitro fertilization kit
so that intra-uterine implantation can be done where it belongs, in the
privacy of your own kitchen (drop-cloth included).
you’re looking for the right ova at the right price, shop no
more. Nora’s ova are the way to go!
are limited, so don’t delay. Call 1-800-NORAOVA and order
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