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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 1, Issue 1 -- 06.01.2008
Sinister plot to conquer Earth
Aliens clone George W. Bush
By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic Correspondent
ROSWELL, N.M. -- Aliens have devised a diabolical new strategy to conquer the planet Earth – clone President Bush!
    Seeing how much damage one George W. Bush has done to the world, the aliens believe that a few hundred of them could wipe out all human life in a matter of years, if not months, says the extraterrestrial expert who ripped the lid off the shocking scheme.Bush baby
    “In seven years as president, George W. Bush has wreaked havoc on the environment, upset the delicate balance of power in the Middle East and brought scientific research to a standstill,” notes University of Roswell extraterrestrial studies professor Dr. Hans Klaatu. “Obviously, the planet can’t take any more like him and hope to survive.”
    The plot was uncovered after Klaatu intercepted a transmission from the ETs’ home planet in the Sirius star system. He tells the Cosmic Chronicle that the aliens plan to clone Bush from a single viable brain cell.
    “Even though the aliens’ cloning techniques are far superior to anything we humans can even imagine, to accomplish their goal they need to clone a viable brain cell from the cerebral cortex to replicate a grown adult with the same memories, beliefs and capacity for catastrophic mistakes as the original,” explains Klaatu.
    Although some people have questioned whether Bush has any viable brain cells, one cloning expert confirms that he must.
    “If he didn’t, he wouldn’t even be able to do what Dick Cheney tells him,” says Dr. Alfred E. Einstein, executive director of the prestigious Acme Stem Cell Institute in San Francisco. “On the other hand, it could leave him even more mentally crippled. While most people wouldn’t even notice one missing brain cell, Bush obviously doesn’t have a lot to spare.”
    Klaatu adds that the aliens’ plan skirts intergalactic laws designed to prevent advanced species from disrupting the evolution of lower life forms, such as human beings.
“With their advanced technologies and WPDs (weapons of planetary destruction), the aliens could easily wipe out all life on earth in a matter of minutes,” says Klaatu. “But that would violate the prime directive of the United Federation of Galaxies.
    “This plan is insidiously clever. The Bush clones will cause our civilizations to destroy each other, and any societies left over would no doubt self-destruct under the influence of a Bush. It will appear to be just another example of natural selection.”
    Klaatu warns that there is only one way to save mankind.
    “The only way I see to stop the threat would be to destroy Bush’s brain,” he says. “To tell you the truth, he doesn’t seem to use it very much anyway.”

Breaking news: "Flush" Gordon in orbit
Plumber blasts off to fix ISS toilet
By Jim McNutt
National Correspndent
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLA. -- The first plumber to visit space has blasted off aboard the shuttle Discovery to fix the International Space Station’s balky toilet.
    “Our engineers can figure out the most complex aerodynamic algorithms, but when it comes to fixing a broken toilet they’re as helpless as a socialite,” admits NASA administrator Michael Griffin. “So we had to go with a professional.”ISS toilet
That presented problems for the cash-strapped U.S. space program. To cut costs, last year NASA signed a contract with Service USA to maintain all of the plumbing, electric and appliances at the Space Center, and the 5:02 p.m. liftoff time on May 31 presented a scheduling conflict.
    “We called as soon as we started having problems with the space station’s zero-gravity toilet, and the Service USA dispatcher said they’d have a plumber out here on the day of the launch between the hours of noon and 5 p.m.” explains Griffin. “But we really needed him here early to get into a flight suit and go over some basic space flight instruction.
    "When I asked if they could narrow down the timeframe, the dispatcher said that the best they could do was to have the plumber call us 15 minutes before he arrived -- and that we were lucky to get one at all on a Saturday on such short notice.”
    The plumber, William “Flush” Gordon, managed to join the shuttle crew at the last minute.
    “I had nasty septic tank backup to deal with in Titusville and was lucky to get to the launch pad in time,” Gordon said as he donned his flight suit. “Just wish I had a chance to take a shower.”
    Even though Gordon's shuttle crewmates may not be breathing easier with him aboard, NASA honcho Griffin says everyone at the Space Center is relieved.
    “We were really over a barrel,” he admits. “The suction fan in the toilet is malfunctioning and if we don’t get it fixed pronto, the you-know-what is literally going to hit the fan!”

Next issue: What really happened to Osama bin Laden
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