By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a blockbuster world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle blows the lid off the biggest mystery of the 21^st Century – what really happened to Osama bin Laden!
    A reliable source at the highest levels of the National Security Agency (NSA) reveals that world’s most wanted terrorist has been abducted by aliens.
    “There’s a very good reason why the greatest manhunt in history has come up empty,” says the source. “And it’s not because Osama’s playing caveman in Pakistan.
    “He’s simply nowhere on Earth.”
    The NSA official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to the classified nature of the information, tells the Cosmic Chronicle that there have recently been several Osama bin Laden sightings – all by humans who’d been abducted by aliens.
    “There’s a definite pattern,” notes the official. “All the abductees say they saw Osama bin Laden in a glass and metal cylinder on the spaceship. Some said he looked to be sleeping while others thought he was reading the Quran or, in one case, a Wonder Woman comic book.
    “Of course, I figured them for lunatics until I saw the photo.”
   

Osama under glass

That photo, obtained exclusively by the Cosmic Chronicle and published here for the first time, shows the terrorist kingpin in an apparent state of suspended animation aboard the alien craft. It was snapped by British native Wittington “Witty” Smythe after he says he was whisked away outside the Quill and Quail Pub in Shakespeare’s hometown of Stratford-Upon-Avon the night of July 4, 2007.
    “Everybody started yelling about UFOs and ran out of the pub,” recalls Smythe. “But I wanted to finish my beer, so I was a few strides behind and the next thing I know, I’m in some sort of space vehicle.”
    Smythe says he saw bin Laden and snapped this historic photo with his cell phone camera before the aliens probed him in “ways that were not gentlemanly” and dropped him back down to earth in an alleyway behind the pub.
    Smythe tried to use his photo to collect the $25 million reward on bin Laden's head, but U.S. officials said the 9/11 mastermind had to be in custody on Earth for anyone to collect the payout.
    “But they did give me a free pass to Disney World,” says Smythe.

Wittington Smythe

    Meanwhile, the NSA official insists that the photo is authentic and claims that all of bin Laden's recent audio communiques are likely phonies put out by his evil al-Qaida brethren.
    “Our tech guys say the photo's the real thing,” declares the source. “So you really can’t blame us for not being able to catch bin Laden if he's not on Earth.
    “Who knows? Maybe the aliens got Saddam’s WMDs up there, too. Those weapons seemed to disappear into thin air, just like Osama.
    "Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I think we may have ourselves an extraterrestrial ally in the War on Terror!”

---

More help on the way
By Sally Stackhouse
Entertainment correspondent
BURBANK, CALIF. -- Terrorist group al-Qaida recently announced that the deadly bombing of the Danish embassy in Pakistan was carried out to exact revenge for the publishing of a dozen cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad -- and now cartoon characters are uniting to fight back!
    "When one cartoon is attacked, it's an attack against all cartoons," declares World War II vet Bugs Bunny, who famously fought both the Germans and the Japanese. "We're amassing a coalition of the willing across studio lines to strike back."
    Bugs says that all of his celluloid compatriots at Warner Brothers have come aboard along with characters from Disney, Hanna-Barbera, DC and Marvel comics, Pixar and others.
    "Even Ren and Stimpy have declared a truce to join forces against the bad guys," says Bugs. "And with the likes of Superman, Batman, Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four on our side, those sourpusses won't stand a chance."
    Armament for the cartoon soldiers will be supplied by the Acme Company with the requisitons team led by Wile E. Coyote.

Wile E. Coyote

    "Wile E. is the world's formost expert on cartoon weaponry," says General Fred Flintstone. "With his help, we'll blast those evildoers back to the Stone Age, where they belong!"
    One advantage the cartoon characters have over their human counterparts is that the terrorists' primary weapons, suicide bombers and improvised explosive devices (IEDs), have no effect on them.
    "We've all been blown up countless times and laugh it off," says Bugs.
    Intelligence operations are being spearheaded by brainy Lisa Simpson, and Yogi the Bear is running the mess, promising "a pic-a-nic basket at every meal."
    The terrosists killed six in the shocking June 2 bombing of the embassy in Islamabad, and a statement by the Islamic militants said the attack "fulfilled the promise of (al-Qaida leader) Sheik Osama bin Laden to respond to the insutling drawings."
    Those "insulting" drawings included several caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad, one with a lit bomb in his turban. Not only do Muslim fundamentalists believe it's blasphemy to create any images of Muhammad, they have absolutely no sense of humor about it -- or anything else.
    "We're going to ridicule them to death," vows Bugs. "Imagine killing people over cartoons.
    "And to think they call us Looney Tunes!"