Cosmic Chronicle

Bizarro World names Fox News

most 'fair & balanced' in galaxy

By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic correspondent
SILOPORTEM, HTRAE -- Fox News has been crowned the Most Fair and Balanced news organization in the Milky Way galaxy by the inhabitants of Bizarro World.
But Fox News honchos are refusing to acknowledge the award!

Bizarro World

    "It’s a dubious honor because everything on the square-shaped Bizarro World is the opposite of the way things are on Earth,” notes galactic media analyst Perry White III. “Even the formal name of the planet, Htrae, is Earth spelled backwards.
    “So being praised by these idiots is nothing to crow about. It’s kind of like being endorsed for political office by George W. Bush.”
    Bizarro Superman No. 1, an imperfect clone of the DC Comics superhero, said at a news conference, “Me am not here to announce this dishonor. I don't always watch Fox News because it are most fair and balanced newscast on VT.”

Bizarro Superman at the press conference

    Alien linguistics expert Dr. Hans Klaatu explains, “The statement actually means that Bizarro Superman No. 1 was present for the honor and does always watch Fox News on TV. Of course, when he calls it fair and balanced, that represents the exact opposite of the reality on Earth.”
    The Bizarros also named top-rated cable news host Bill O’Reilly the galaxy's Best Commentator.
    “I believe they have an affinity for O’Reilly because with his bad complexion and innate ability to effortlessly twist the truth, he reminds them of themselves,” notes media analyst White, grandson of the famed Metropolis Daily Planet editor-in-chief.
    “They’re particularly impressed with his hypocrisy, a common Bizarro trait. At one point, the married father of two was self-righteously preaching family values while allegedly browbeating a female employee into listening to his creepy phone sex calls.”

Bill O'Reilly -- loofah talk?

    In court papers, the woman recalls one call in which O’Reilly plied her with talk about taking a hot shower together and some rough loving with a loofah sponge. She offered such vivid, word-for-word detail of the conversation that legal experts believe she had it on tape.
    O’Reilly eventually settled the woman’s 2004 sexual harassment lawsuit out of court, with insiders saying he gave her at least $2 million.
    But in true Bizarro fashion, the O’Reilly Factor host declared on his show, “There was no wrongdoing in the case whatsoever by anyone.”

*Note: To protect the privacy of the woman who claims she was sexually

harassed by O’Reilly, the Cosmic Chronicle is not publishing her name.
But for a good time, try calling her at: 212-555-5683

Ziggy Stardust was no act!

David Bowie comes out as an alien

By Sally Stackhouse
Entertainment correspondent
LONDON, ENGLAND -- Rock ‘n’ roll legend David Bowie has finally admitted the obvious -- he’s an alien!
“This really should come as no surprise,” said Bowie. “But I felt that it was time to officially set the record straight. I was sick of the lies and constantly trying to hide my true self.

Ziggy Stardust

   “God knows I've done my best to fit in. But at some point in your life, you just have to look deep into the mirror of your soul and accept the fact that you’re different.”
    Bowie burst onto the music scene in the early 1970s playing the androgynous, flame-haired title character of his hit album Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars. But it was no act.
    “Ziggy should have been a tip-off,” said Bowie, who actually took off his human disguise for performances. “And The Man Who Fell to Earth should have been the clincher.”
    Of course, Bowie played an alien in the critically acclaimed but tiresome 1976 sci-fi drama.
    “They really should have figured out I wasn’t from around here when I didn’t need a stuntman to fall to Earth,” adds Bowie.

Bowie's wife Iman

    For his not-so-shocking coming out, the rock icon was joined by his beautiful wife Iman, who revealed she’s an alien, too.
    “We met at a Hard Rock Cafe in the Centaurus Galaxy before a black hole diving trip,” she recalls. “To tell the truth, I’ve always been a sucker for redheads with purple eyes.”
    Now, Bowie is urging others of his ilk to follow his lead.
    “Don’t be ashamed of your alien orientation,” he says. “Be proud, walk tall and remember, if all else fails, you can always be a rock star.”