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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 1, Issue 9 -- 10.01.2008
'Huge' asset could save economy
Bush says moon belongs to USA
By Jim McNutt
National correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- In a desperate bid to bolster the crumbling economy, President George W. Bush boldly declared that the United States owns the moon!
"The moon is a huge asset that's got to be worth a few trillion dollars," said Bush. "And that ought to get us enough credit to get the economy up and running despite those wimps in Congress who let me and my Wall Street pals destroy it in the first place."
    Bush contends that the U.S. has a right to claim the moon because the Americans got there first and Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin planted a flag on the lunar surface.
    "We stuck our flag in it, so that means it’s ours," explained Bush.
Flag on moon
Buzz Aldrin and the flag
"It’s just like when Columbus stuck a flag in one of those little Caribbean islands to claim the New World for Spain. No one said anything about it, and Spain owned all that land as long as they could defend it.
    "That’s why they still speak so much Spanish down there in Central and South America and Miami."
    When asked about the United Nations Outer Space Treaty, which states that no country can own a celestial body, Bush replied: "C’mon, no one pays any attention to the U.N. We got there first, so it’s ours by right of...uh...finders-keepers."
President Bush
President Bush

    Reaction was swift and blistering from world leaders. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown called Bush "as daft as Camilla," and French president Nicolas Sarkozy exclaimed: "Sacre bleu! If you do that, we will protest by changing the name of American cheese to Liberte cheese, not that anyone here eats that putrid food that makes me want to puke!"
    Russian Prime Minister-for-life Vladimir Putin phoned Bush to point out that if the Outer Space Treaty was no longer in effect, his country should own the moon because they reached it first when the Soviets' Luna 2 probe crash-landed on its surface on Sept. 14, 1959.
    In a world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle reveals the transcript from his call to Bush.
    Putin: "Luna 2 included a replica of our flag. So that means the moon is ours."
    Bush: "Not so fast, borscht breath. You've got to plant the flag or it doesn't count."
Luna 2
Luna 2
    Putin: "Does too."
    Bush: "Does not."
    Putin: "Does too."
    Bush: "Does not."
    Putin: "Does too."
    Bush: "Does not."
    Putin: "Does too.
    Bush: "Oh yeah?"

    The president stood his ground and later noted that he had the full support of a "higher authority," Vice President Dick Cheney, who actually came up with the economy-saving idea himself.
    Coincidentally, the U.S. government awarded Cheney’s former company and largest Iraq War contractor, Halliburton, a $5 billion no-bid contract to explore the feasibility of mining valuable minerals from the moon someday.
"We’ve got to consider our future," said Cheney. "After all, the Iraq War won’t last forever."

My Cosmos
Mr. E
Mr. E
By Mr. E
Guest columnist
    I’m madder than a polar bear with a sunburn over people claiming that Sarah Palin can’t do a good job as vice president -- or president -- should grandpa John McCain kick the bucket.
Sure it’s true that she’s totally inexperienced at running a big show.
Let’s face it, being mayor of a town of less than 7,000 and governor of a state of less than 700,000 isn’t exactly the big time.
But that doesn’t mean that Sarah hasn’t been honing skills that could help America out.
One of the biggest complaints of those commie-loving liberals is that she’s got no experience at international relations.
Baloney! I can see it now when that cagey Ruskie Vladimir Putin visits the White House and tries to get John McCain to fall for some of his KGB tricks.
Sarah will charm him with her small-town girl looks and manner.
While she’s distracting Putin by flitting about in a figure-clinging apron and serving him some of her homemade chocolate chip cookies and coffee, McCain will be able to get the evil Ruskie to sign treaties in our favor.
Sarah will also be great at helping McCain balance the budget.
Sarah Palin
FUR-ocious: Sarah
at an anti-PETA rally

Like all good American homemakers, she knows how to buy the groceries, clothe the kids and pay the mortgage on her hubby’s meager salary.
And she’ll great be a great inspiration when John declares war on Iran and a bunch of the other foreign countries that he’s got on his personal hit list.
Everybody knows what the American soldier fights for – it’s mom and apple pie.
And super mom Sarah – don’t forget she’s got five young 'uns -- will be terrific traveling to military bases and handing out pieces of her homemade apple pie to our troops.
Yup, she’ll send them off to battle with a smile on their faces and full bellies.
Sarah will also be great at teaching America’s kids right from wrong.When smart-aleck elitist teachers try to push that evolution junk on our children, God-fearing Sarah will be able to tour our schools and explain how the earth is just 6,000 years old and created in seven days.
    And let's not forget she's a little lady who likes to hunt and fish. Sarah won't cowtow to all those left-wing nuts that think wild animals have as much right to live on our oil-rich land as we have to drill in it.
Yup, Sarah is a perfect choice to show the world -- and our little girls -- that the skills needed to be a mom, wife and gun-packing church-goer can sure come in handy when running the most powerful country on earth.

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The Cosmic Cafe

Brian Smallwood

Our featured artist, Brian Smallwood
When he was a boy, Brian painted his first space scene on the back of a box that held his first telescope -- and he's still going strong!

Click the image above to see
 his captivating work.

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