|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 1, Issue 11 -- 11.01.2008|
Republicans crying ‘foul!’
Obama gets his own constellationBut Republicans are crying foul, saying that the unprecedented move four days before the
By Ace Sweeney
OSLO, NORWAY -- In a development that has rocked the political world, the International Astronomy Union has officially changed the name of the famed constellation Orion the Hunter to Obama the Reformer!
“After all, all Orion did was hunt. Barack Obama symbolizes a new beginning for all mankind.”
“This is unacceptable,” says
Bellum insists the IAU’s aim wasn’t politically motivated and says they also honored the
“We chose M-72 because its Messier number is the same as John McCain’s age,” explains Bellum.
Bellum ruled out
But she seems to have no reservations about giving Orion an extreme makeover.
“Instead of hunting as Orion was doing, Obama the Reformer is giving an electrifying speech,” explains Bellum. “And in place of a sword at his belt, he has an olive branch.
“We’ve also renamed the three stars that make up his belt, changing them from Mantaka, Alnitak and Alnilam to Michelle, Malia and Sasha, Obama’s wife and daughters.”
The IAU’s action not only drew fire from Republicans but also the National Rifle Association’s late president Charlton Heston, who was interviewed by the Cosmic Chronicle’s newest staff member, spiritual correspondent Krystal Ball. “Chuck was outraged that a gun control proponent like Obama was taking Orion the Hunter’s place,” says Ball, who channeled Heston’s spirit. “He told me he thought a better choice would have been [Sarah] Palin the Predator because ‘like Orion, she knows how to handle a weapon and has actually killed things.’”
Krystal Ball joins Cosmic Chronicle staffThe Cosmic Chronicle is pleased to introduce its newest staff member, renowned spiritualist Krystal Ball.
Ball, 35, once a teen phenom, has channeled numerous spirits over the past two decades, including Presidents Washington, Lincoln, both Roosevelts and Kennedy.
“JFK actually asked me for a date,” Ball says with a giggle. “Teddy Roosevelt explained exactly what he meant about carrying a big stick, and I can’t even tell you what
“Seems all the great leaders have just one thing on their minds, and it’s not politics!
Ball grew up in rural
“Jesus talked back to me,” she recalls. “He said to forget about all the sin and damnation the pastor was preaching and ‘just go out and have some fun without hurting yourself or anyone else.’”
Ball has since channeled luminaries ranging from Mahatma Gandhi to Anna Nicole Smith.
“It’s really all about balance.”
Ball’s interview with Heston was her first with the screen legend, who famously played Moses in The Ten Commandments and died in April following a heartbreaking battle with Alzheimer’s disease.
“He still reminds me of Moses,” says Ball. “In fact, he’s more like Moses than Moses is.”
Toxins that accumulate in our bodies increase the occurance of free radicals, those nasty, unstable oxygen molecules that play a significant role in aging, cancer, disease and a host of other maladies -- even cellulite!
So what can YOU do about it?
The Cosmic Cafe
Our featured artist, Gary Tonge
As an impressionable 7-year-old, Gary was inspired by the opening scene of Star Wars -- the massive Star Destroyer passing overhead -- and now he does computer game graphics and some awesome artwork.
Click the image above to see
Gary's wonderous work.
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