|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 1, Issue 12 -- 11.15.2008|
Foul play suspected
Phoenix Mars Lander found deadBy Annie Matter
With its energy reserves depleted and its solar panels brutally buffeted by a relentless dust storm, Phoenix finally powered down for good on Nov. 2.
But Doug McCuistion, director of the Mars Exploration Program at NASA Headquarters in Washington notes that Phoenix ’s “demise is a little earlier than we'd hoped.”
And the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that Phoenix may not have died a natural death! National Security Agency investigators suspect foul play, evident by this shocking photo (below) obtained exclusively by the Cosmic Chronicle.
Snapped just seconds before Phoenix stopped communicating, the image shows the shadow of a sinister figure with what looks to be a weapon in its hand.
Sources close to the investigation reveal that a computer analysis of the photo shows the alleged killer bears a striking resemblance to Bender, the maniacal robot of Futurama fame.
“You can clearly see an antenna on top of the head, which is identical to the one Mr. Bender has,” says NSA special agent Norman Snead. “And he appears to be wielding a weapon.
"Put that together with the fact that Mr. Bender is the only ‘person’ of interest in this case who regularly travels in space and you come up with overwhelming circumstantial evidence.”
Snead adds that other people of interest include retired Ohio police officer Drew Peterson, disgraced football great O.J. Simpson, washed-up actor Robert Blake and Star Wars creator George Lucas, who, as we reported in our July 1 issue, has been missing since the Phoenix Lander found a lightsaber buried in the permafrost of Mars.
But Bender is the Feds’ primary focus, and when contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, the cartoon star vehemently denied all charges.
“Why would I want to kill such a harmless, cute little machine?” said Bender. “Do you think I care that it upstaged me as the most popular mechanical being around and was so damn dependable it made me look bad...do you hear me, it made me look so bad, bad, BAD!!! THAT INSOLENT BUCKET OF BOLTS, I COULD JUST BLAST IT TO...”
“The truth is that Bender may be a little excitable, but he’s no murderer,” says Smaltz. “And he was nowhere near Mars on Nov. 2.
"In fact, he spent all day in Detroit leading a campaign rally for Independent Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader because, as Bender says, ‘Nader’s got more nuts than me!’”
Veep's Satanic secret exposed
Dick Cheney’s house of horrors
By Jim McNutt
"Joe and Jill were sitting around talking to Dick and Lynne about erotic lesbian literature when Joe excused himself to go to the bathroom,” says a close friend of the veep-to-be.
“But he went into a closet by mistake. It was dark and while he was groping around for the light, he triggered a mechanism that opened a passageway to a secret room.”
The room, continues the friend, was illuminated by dozens of black candles. In one corner there was an altar with grotesque figurines, ceremonial knives, a pentagram and a contract with a “Mr. Lucifer” signed in blood.
Biden also saw the head of a horned beast hanging on the wall, CDs with Ozzy Osbourne, Slayer and Black Sabbath music, a dais with what appeared to be blood stains and a case containing voodoo dolls of all the network anchors as well as Keith Olbermann, host of MSNBC’s Countdown and a blistering critic of Cheney
“That really creeped me out,” Biden told his pal.
After snapping a few photos with his cell phone, Biden turned to leave but went through the wrong door and wound up in a dungeon complete with torture contraptions, including a prototype water-boarding device manufactured by new Halliburton subsidiary Abu-Ghraib Enterprises.
Biden eventually found his way back to the sitting room but just grabbed Jill and said he had to cut the visit short because he had a teeth whitening appointment he’d forgotten about.
“Joe told me he was glad to get out of Cheney’s house alive,” recalls the friend, “and that Jill had one helluva redecorating job ahead of her!”
A: Since you live in
Q: There’s this guy at work that really gets on my nerves. He’s always yelling at me in front of everyone when I make even the smallest mistake, but he’s my supervisor so I can’t really talk back to him without getting into trouble. What can I do?
Downtrodden Worker, Elkton, Md.
A: If memory serves me, Elkton is near
Q: My wife has a much higher paying, more glamorous job than me and she never lets me forget it. I really resent her success, but have to admit I need the money she makes. How can I make my situation more tolerable?
First Dude, Wasilla, Alaska
Americans are so toxic, if we were cannibals the FDA would declare our meat unfit for human consumption!
So what can YOU do about it?
Make a friend's day:
Forward him or her the link to this issue of the Cosmic Chronicle!
If you want to subscribe, just fill in the form below.