Cosmic Chronicle

Foul play suspected

Phoenix Mars Lander found dead

By Annie Matter
Interplanetary correspondent
TUCSON, ARIZ.—The sensational Phoenix mission to Mars has come to a tragic end -- the gutsy little lander that found ice on Red Planet is dead!
With its energy reserves depleted and its solar panels brutally buffeted by a relentless dust storm, Phoenix finally powered down for good on Nov. 2.

Phoenix Lander

    “That was the last time we actually heard from Phoenix,” says tearful mission project manager Barry Goldstein. “We knew this would happen eventually.”
    But Doug McCuistion, director of the Mars Exploration Program at NASA Headquarters in Washington notes that Phoenix ’s “demise is a little earlier than we'd hoped.”
    And the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that Phoenix may not have died a natural death! National Security Agency investigators suspect foul play, evident by this shocking photo (below) obtained exclusively by the Cosmic Chronicle.

The Sinister shadow with
antenna seen in Lander photo

Snapped just seconds before Phoenix stopped communicating, the image shows the shadow of a sinister figure with what looks to be a weapon in its hand.
Sources close to the investigation reveal that a computer analysis of the photo shows the alleged killer bears a striking resemblance to Bender, the maniacal robot of Futurama fame.

“You can clearly see an antenna on top of the head, which is identical to the one Mr. Bender has,” says NSA special agent Norman Snead. “And he appears to be wielding a weapon.

Bender:

Armed & dangerous

    "Put that together with the fact that Mr. Bender is the only ‘person’ of interest in this case who regularly travels in space and you come up with overwhelming circumstantial evidence.”
    Snead adds that other people of interest include retired Ohio police officer Drew Peterson, disgraced football great O.J. Simpson, washed-up actor Robert Blake and Star Wars creator George Lucas, who, as we reported in our July 1 issue, has been missing since the Phoenix Lander found a lightsaber buried in the permafrost of Mars.
    But Bender is the Feds’ primary focus, and when contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, the cartoon star vehemently denied all charges.
    “Why would I want to kill such a harmless, cute little machine?” said Bender. “Do you think I care that it upstaged me as the most popular mechanical being around and was so damn dependable it made me look bad...do you hear me, it made me look so bad, bad, BAD!!! THAT INSOLENT BUCKET OF BOLTS, I COULD JUST BLAST IT TO...”

Ralph Nader

    At that point, Bender’s attorney, Stanley Smaltz, shut down his client.
    “The truth is that Bender may be a little excitable, but he’s no murderer,” says Smaltz. “And he was nowhere near Mars on Nov. 2.
    "In fact, he spent all day in Detroit leading a campaign rally for Independent Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader because, as Bender says, ‘Nader’s got more nuts than me!’”

Veep's Satanic secret exposed

Dick Cheney’s house of horrors

By Jim McNutt
National correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Joe Biden’s campaign trail declaration that Dick Cheney is “the most dangerous vice president in American history” gained credence when he discovered a secret Satanic temple and torture chamber in Cheney’s official residence!

Dick Cheney

    Vice president-elect Biden found the rooms by accident during his Nov. 13 visit with his wife Jill to the home Cheney shares with his wife Lynne in the Naval Observatory.
    "Joe and Jill were sitting around talking to Dick and Lynne about erotic lesbian literature when Joe excused himself to go to the bathroom,” says a close friend of the veep-to-be.
    “But he went into a closet by mistake. It was dark and while he was groping around for the light, he triggered a mechanism that opened a passageway to a secret room.”
    The room, continues the friend, was illuminated by dozens of black candles. In one corner there was an altar with grotesque figurines, ceremonial knives, a pentagram and a contract with a “Mr. Lucifer” signed in blood.

Contract signed by Cheney and Lucifer

    The contract was for Cheney’s soul,” says the friend, “which explains why he doesn’t seem to have one.”
    Biden also saw the head of a horned beast hanging on the wall, CDs with Ozzy Osbourne, Slayer and Black Sabbath music, a dais with what appeared to be blood stains and a case containing voodoo dolls of all the network anchors as well as Keith Olbermann, host of MSNBC’s Countdown and a blistering critic of Cheney
    “That really creeped me out,” Biden told his pal.
    After snapping a few photos with his cell phone, Biden turned to leave but went through the wrong door and wound up in a dungeon complete with torture contraptions, including a prototype water-boarding device manufactured by new Halliburton subsidiary Abu-Ghraib Enterprises.
    Biden eventually found his way back to the sitting room but just grabbed Jill and said he had to cut the visit short because he had a teeth whitening appointment he’d forgotten about.
    “Joe told me he was glad to get out of Cheney’s house alive,” recalls the friend, “and that Jill had one helluva redecorating job ahead of her!”

Celebrity Advice
with
Dick Cheney

Q: My brother is engaged to the most wonderful, most beautiful girl in the world. While I’m happy for him, I must admit that I have a crush on “Gwen” myself - and she told me she thinks she may like me more than my brother. Now, I don’t know what to do. Can you offer me any advice?
Struggling Sibling, Altoona, Pa.
A: Since you live in Pennsylvania, here’s what you do. Take your brother deer hunting - just the two of you - then “accidentally shoot him in the face.
Q: There’s this guy at work that really gets on my nerves. He’s always yelling at me in front of everyone when I make even the smallest mistake, but he’s my supervisor so I can’t really talk back to him without getting into trouble. What can I do?
Downtrodden Worker, Elkton, Md.
A: If memory serves me, Elkton is near Chesapeake Bay, where there’s very good duck hunting. Here’s what you do. Take this lowlife duck hunting - just the two of you - and then “accidentally” shoot him in the face.
Q: My wife has a much higher paying, more glamorous job than me and she never lets me forget it. I really resent her success, but have to admit I need the money she makes. How can I make my situation more tolerable?
First Dude, Wasilla, Alaska
A: Wow, Alaska. Caribou, moose, elk, wolves. Here’s what you do. Take your wife hunting for any or all of these - just the two of you - then “accidentally” shoot her in the face.