Cosmic Chronicle

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Long distance to the afterlife

New iPhone app dials up the dead

By Krystal Ball
Spiritual correspondent
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF. -- In his most dramatic product unveilng ever, the late Apple boss Steve Jobs announced an amazing new iPhone app that allows ordinary people to contact the dead like psychics!
“It was quite a presentation,” says stock market analyst Rosie Days.

Jobs touting 'DeadTalk'

“Apple stock jumped 58 percent, not so much because of the new app but because it became evident that Jobs is still calling the shots.”
Called DeadTalk, the app was developed by Apple with the help of Allison DuBois, the famed channel who inspired the once popular TV show Medium.
“I figured why should I, and a few other gifted people like me, be the only ones who have to deal with the really, really, REALLY old folks,” she says. “Believe me, they’re a handful, especially when you have kids to take care of, too!”

The new iPhone app

    By charting DuBois’ brainwave patterns while she was in contact with a homicidal spirit from the afterlife, crack psycho-engineers at The Apple Institute were able to develop a hot line to the Beyond.
    “It was really cool, even though in the first test call my late grandmother told me she never really liked me,” says chief engineer Marvin “Slashdot” Moodle. “But Uncle Al was a gas, as usual. The joker gave me some lottery numbers to play – and they all turned out to be losers.”
    The remarkable new app is free, but calls to the afterlife can run $100 a minute -- or more!

Slashdot Moodle

    “It’s hard to say how much a call to a specific spirit will cost,” says DeadTalk pricing director Frank M. Bezzler. “Some souls drift into other realms quite quickly and cost more to contact, whileothers, like Elvis Presley’s, seem to hang around forever and can be had for much less.”
    Bezzler reiterates that the new app is free and can be downloaded at DeadTalkNow.com.
    “It’s the most exciting thing to happen in communications since the iPhone,” crows Jobs, from his perch in The Cloud. “Even St. Peter was asking me about it!”

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