Cosmic Chronicle

Editor-in-Chief: Gary Greenberg

Frankenstein named as Monsanto
spokesman in battle over GMOs

By Chuck Ponzi
Business correspondent

CREVE COEUR, MO. – With the U.S. Senate shooting down legislation to outlaw the labeling of genetically modified organisms (GMOs), agriculture biotech giant Monsanto has launched a big-budget public relations campaign anchored by its new spokesman, Frankenstein.
“We’re pleased to have this icon of bioengineering onboard,” proclaims Monsanto PR director P.J. Goebbels III. “Considering that our genetically modified organisms have informally come to be known as ‘franken-foods,’ we believe this to be a perfect fit.”

Frankenstein

    Frankenstein, the famed 197-year-old monster, munched some strawraspberries as he was introduced to a crowd of reporters, photographers and pitchfork-wielding peasants at Monsanto’s home base in the St. Louis area.
    “Aaahhh-aaahhh,” he said. “Aaaaaahhhhhh.”
    When asked why Monsanto chose a spokesman who can only grunt, Goebbels replied: “He may not be the most eloquent speaker around, but he represents everything our company stands for -- fear, destruction, domination, aberrancy -- and besides all that, he’s green, like money.”

Electric-blue oranges

Along with GMOs, Monsanto has long been a leading producer of highly toxic products, including pesticides, herbicides and Washington lobbyists.
The Frankenstein campaign will focus on showing people the great promise of GMO food in feeding the world and stuffing the pockets of Monsanto executives. And they’ll kick it all off by showcasing their latest products in the company’s ever-expanding line of GMOs -- blue oranges, bruise-proof bananas and grapes that grow in their own plastic wrapping.

Bruise-proof banana

“Kids are more likely to drink OJ if it’s electric-blue rather than boring orange,” says Goebbels, great- grandson of the infamous Nazi propaganda chief. “And just a couple of Hercules beetle genes are all you need to toughen up banana peels.
“Meantime, grapes growing their own packaging will save on costs, which we’ll pass on to all of our consumers -- or at least those who buy our stock.”

Pre-packaged grapes

    Other products in development include baking potatoes with aluminum foil skin, no cry onions, wax-coated cucumbers and peppers, and waterproof grains for making cereal that doesn’t get soggy in milk.
    “We also plan to bring back red pistachio nuts, but without the dye that rubs off on your fingers,” says Goebbels. “It may not be nice to fool Mother Nature, but it is very profitable!”
    Adds Frankenstein: "Uuuuhhhhh. Aaaaahhhhhh!"