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Frankenstein named as MonsantoBy Chuck Ponzi
spokesman in battle over GMOs
“We’re pleased to have this icon of bioengineering onboard,” proclaims Monsanto PR director P.J. Goebbels III. “Considering that our genetically modified organisms have informally come to be known as ‘franken-foods,’ we believe this to be a perfect fit.”
“Aaahhh-aaahhh,” he said. “Aaaaaahhhhhh.”
When asked why Monsanto chose a spokesman who can only grunt, Goebbels replied: “He may not be the most eloquent speaker around, but he represents everything our company stands for -- fear, destruction, domination, aberrancy -- and besides all that, he’s green, like money.”
The Frankenstein campaign will focus on showing people the great promise of GMO food in feeding the world and stuffing the pockets of Monsanto executives. And they’ll kick it all off by showcasing their latest products in the company’s ever-expanding line of GMOs -- blue oranges, bruise-proof bananas and grapes that grow in their own plastic wrapping.
“Meantime, grapes growing their own packaging will save on costs, which we’ll pass on to all of our consumers -- or at least those who buy our stock.”
“We also plan to bring back red pistachio nuts, but without the dye that rubs off on your fingers,” says Goebbels. “It may not be nice to fool Mother Nature, but it is very profitable!”
Adds Frankenstein: "Uuuuhhhhh. Aaaaahhhhhh!"
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