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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else...on Earth
Celebrity Advice
By Charles Manson
Guest columnist

chatlie mansonQ: My boyfriend and I have a really good relationship. The only problem is that  he really doesn't have the world's best manners. He never opens the car door for me, helps me on with my coat or holds the chair for me in restaurants. He even chews with his mouth open. What on earth am I to do with him?
Missing Manners, Tyler, Tex.
A: Kill him.
Q: I take the bus to work and there's this kind of weird-looking guy who I see every day. He's always giving me creepy looks. He seems harmless enough, but he's really beginning to bug me. What should I do about it?
Uneasy Rider, New York, N.Y.
A: Gouge his eyes out with a rusty screwdriver -- then kill him.
Q: We get along pretty well with our next-door neighbors, except that their dog is always coming onto our property to do his business, and either me or one of the kids is always stepping in it. How can we get them to stop their dog from pooping on our lawn?
Stinky Shoes, Decataur, Ill.
A: Kill the dog. Then slaughter the whole family.
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