Cosmic Chronicle

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Medical miracle

FDA OKs drug with no side effects

By Mysti Lane
Pharmaceutical correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Federal Drug Administration stunned the medical world by approving a pharmaceutical drug that has no side effects!

No side effects

    “This is a first!” declares FDA honcho Chuck Pfizer. “Never before have we approved a drug that doesn’t cause at least a touch of hives, diarrhea or heart disease in some people.”
    Although the proprietary blend of chemicals that comprise the new drug, Placebix, are a carefully guarded trade secret, Pfizer reveals it’s similar in makeup to the pills given as placebos to subjects in medical studies.
    Reps from the drug’s producer, pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKlineMerckJohnson&Johnson, claim that Placebix is not only completely safe but also has the potential to cure any disease.
    “In every study ever done, there’s a percentage of people who are cured by the placebo,” explains Monica Moonie, the company’s director of marketing. “Based on that finding, we’ve created an ingestible therapy for virtually any ailment that works up to 23 percent of the time.”
    Despite the harmless nature of the drug, consumer watchdog groups are outraged over the government's approval of it.
    “This is another victory for Big Pharma,” blasts Fred Stump, spokesman for the Consumer Rights of America Panel (CRAP). “It gives the drug companies the right to go ahead and sell what are, in essence, sugar pills for the price of prescription medication.”
   Placebix is expected to retail for about $2 a pill to cover development costs and the company's international marketing campaign.

Monica Moonie

    “Most drugs cost billions to develop,” notes Moonie. “But with Placebix, we’ve put all but about $50 into marketing. The drug’s effectiveness depends on how well we can convince patients it will help them, and those kind of commercials cost a lot because you have to find people who really look like they have things like erectile dysfunction, genital herpes and leaky bladders and then pay them enough to talk about it on TV in front of the world.”
    Analysts predict that the drug manufacturers will profit a scant 1,200 percent on their new product, low by industry standards. But what they lack in price-gouging profits they expect to make up for in volume.
    Says Moonie: “There’s a Placebix patient born every minute.”

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