Cosmic Chronicle

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DNA shocker

Geneticist: Rush Limbaugh is a pig

By Dr. Frank N. Stein
Medical correspondent
PALM BEACH, FLA.--Scientists have discovered the real reason conservative radio show icon Rush Limbaugh is such a media hog -- he has swine DNA!

Rush Limbaugh

Sus scrofa scrof

        “Tests have shown that Limbaugh has some genetic material specific to sus scrofa scrof, or the common pig,” reveals noted geneticist Dr. Jean Poole, who examined a sampling of Limbaugh’s DNA from saliva spewed during one of his raving radio rants.
    “It shows in his physicality -- the pinkish flesh, beady eyes, flabby jowls, thick torso and stubby legs,” adds Poole.
    “The odd thing is that he also has personality traits that have been unfairly attributed to pigs, such as selfishness, gluttony, stubbornness and misogyny, along with an affinity for figuratively wallowing in the mud.”
    As this rare photo of Limbaugh as a 14-year-old shows, he actually had a pig-like snout as a youth.

Rush at age 14, before the nose job

    Poole theorizes that Limbaugh’s mom may have eaten so much pork while pregnant that the genetic code infused itself into the fetus’ DNA.
    “Unfortunately for Limbaugh, sometimes you are what your mother eats,” says Poole, director of the Acme Genetic Engineering Laboratory and Sperm Bank. “She really must have pigged out on pork morning, noon and night.
    “In any case, I’m sure she never would have had the baby if she’d known what a monstrosity it was destined to be.”
    Another expert notes that young Limbaugh’s porcine proboscis probably led to deep psychological scars.
    “I’ve seen some pretty bad noses, but this one takes the cake,” observes Dr. James Skinner, a top cosmetic surgeon who has not treated Limbaugh but examined our photo. “Being saddled with a deformity like this at a young age would no doubt instill in the person a deep hatred for anyone normal.”
    It’s believed that Limbaugh’s parents were too poor to pay for a nose job, but he eventually got one through Medicaid.
    “You’d think he’d be thankful for entitlement programs to help the poor after that, but unlike cows, horses and goats, pigs are notoriously hypocritical creatures,” notes livestock psychologist Dr. Cole MacDonald. “So Limbaugh’s railing against all forms of government assistance kind of fits the mold.”
    Despite the mountain of evidence, Missouri pig farmer Melvin P. Slopp doubts that Limbaugh, 58, really has any swine DNA.
    “My pigs have much better manners than Rush,” Slopp tells the Cosmic Chronicle. ”And besides that, they’re all socialists!”

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