Cosmic Chronicle

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Murderous spacemen on the loose

Sheriff Joe vaporized by illegal aliens

By Jim McNutt
National correspondent
MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZ. – Tough guy Sheriff Joe Arpaio, famous for his no-holds-barred pursuit of undocumented immigrants, tragically lost his life when he tried to arrest a pair of illegal aliens -- from outer space!
“I warned Sheriff Joe that maybe we should let these guys go, seeing how they didn’t look like your typical border-hopping beaners,” says deputy sheriff Wayne P. Kuntz. “But he just wouldn’t listen.”

Not so tough after all -- the late Sheriff Joe

    Arpaio, 76, and deputies tracked down the aliens near the U.S.-Mexican border in southern Arizona. The duo appeared to be collecting cacti and other desert flora. When confronted by the sheriff, the earless aliens didn’t speak but somehow projected their thoughts, explaining that they were from a planet called Bambutu and came in peace, according to the police report.
    “At that point,” Kuntz recalls, “Sheriff Joe says, ‘Bambutu, Dorkutu -- I don’t care if they come straight from Buckingham Palace. If they don’t got green cards, they’re going to jail.’”
    The sheriff reportedly drew his handgun. Sadly, that was the last thing he did.
    “One of the aliens just pointed at Sheriff Joe, and the next thing I know Sheriff Joe is no longer there,” says Kuntz. “All that was left of him was some brownish slime on the ground, kind of like a wad of spit tobacco.”

Police sketch of the suspects

    It was a sudden and inglorious end for Arpaio, who dubbed himself “America’s Toughest Sheriff” after taking office in 1992 and instituting a series of draconian measures in the Maricopa County Jail. Among other things, he made the male inmates wear pink underwear, fed them green baloney sandwiches and – talk about your cruel and unusual punishment -- piped Newt Gringrich speeches through the jailhouse intercom. On the plus side, he started female chain gangs.
    Arpaio’s department also boasted of rounding up more than 15,000 illegal immigrants. But the two aliens who got away are still on the lam and considered “four-armed and dangerous.”
    Arizona Sen. John McCain praised Arpaio and vowed to track down the murderous fugitives from Bambutu.
    “Sheriff Joe was a true American hero who certainly didn’t deserve to wind up looking like a wad of spit tobacco,” said McCain. “We’ll go the ends of the universe to hunt down the evildoers responsible for this cowardly act.
    "I just hope they’re not in Pakistan.”

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