Cosmic Chronicle

Green energy breakthrough

Engineer taps the power of stress

By Xavier Valdez

Environmental correspondent
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. -- In a groundbreaking discovery that could render fossil fuels obsolete, an electrical engineer has figured out a way to convert stress into energy!
“This is a transformative discovery,” proclaims International Energy Agency spokesman Adam Powers. “If we can corral the power of stress, we can have a limitless supply of energy that is cheap, clean and readily available wherever women are found.”
Dr. P.H. Barnum, an electrical engineering professor at the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says he got the brilliant idea of tapping the energy of stress while out for a Sunday drive with his wife Bertha.

Barnum works on prototype bra

    “All I wanted to do was relax after a tough week of teaching a bunch of smartass nerds about quantum mechanics, and Bertha kept stressing out over everything from global warming to the leaky toilet in our guest bathroom,” recalls Barnum. “I thought, ‘If I could harness the energy of the stress that wives generate, I could save the world!’”
    Barnum, 42, got to work in the lab, and within a scant six months developed a prototype brassiere that, when worn normally, absorbs stress, converts it to electromagnetic energy and stores it in a lightweight proton battery cell.
    “Converting stress into electromagnetic energy was the easy part,” says Barnum. “But fusing the network of nanotransformers into a bra was tough because I’m not a very good seamstress.”
    Barnum plans to expand his StressDress line of undergarments to include panties, girdles and thongs and says it will revolutionize the energy industry.
    “When in contact with the skin, it’s surprisingly efficient,” he says. “For example, a badly broken fingernail can create enough stress in a woman to power a 55-inch plasma TV for an hour. And a visit by a mother-in-law could probably provide enough energy to run an entire household for a week.
    “Dress for stress and save the world!”