Cosmic Chronicle

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Crossover bug poses global threat

Salesman catches computer virus

By Joe Epstein-Barr
Medical correspondent
OMAHA, NEB. – Scientists have confirmed that life insurance salesman Joe Hancock is the first human being to catch a computer virus – and they fear a devastating epidemic of global proportions could be immanent!
“It’s been our greatest concerns for years,” admits infectious disease expert Dr. Alvin Shankar. “Whenever a virus leaps from one species to another – like the bird or swine flus – the human body becomes more susceptible to the disease and the symptoms are more severe.
“Jumping from a machine to man could be catastrophic – especially for the banking industry.”

The dreaded virus is spreading fast

    The infected life insurance agent is believed to have been struck with the malicious DaVinci-Spears bug, which typically inserts pop-up programs that both give and request too much personal information.
    “Jack kept popping up all over the place – the market, the bank, strip clubs – telling people stuff like he wasn’t wearing any underwear and asking them the most personal questions about their social security numbers, bank account, credit cards, bra size and the like,” says the victim’s friend Paul Benwah. “And at ATMs, he’d peer over people’s shoulders to get their PIN numbers.”
    Hancock’s sister Jezebel was the one who turned him in.
    “He was hacking all the time and it finally got to me,” she admits.
    Hancock, 43, was arrested on some nebulous legal charges before being diagnosed with the computer bug by the IT staff at Symantic, the famed anti-virus software company.
    “No doubt about it, he was infected with DaVinci-Spears,” says Symantic head Ed Norton III. “And it ran pretty deep. We had to wipe out his hard drive and reinstall his childhood memories, client list, golf handicap and all.
    “If someone doesn't crack this DaVinci-Spears code soon, all hell could break loose.”
    Officials at the government’s Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning for all computer users to wash their hands thoroughly after touching one of the devices and to wear surgical masks whenever going online.
    “To be quite frank, we don’t have any idea how DaVinci-Spears is spreading, especially considring Britney’s last tour,” says a highly-placed CDC insider. “But we have to issue some warnings or risk having our funding cut.”

Merck & Co. tech working on vaccine

Meanwhile, the pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. is rushing to cash in by developing a vaccine for the virus. And in an unprecedented move, the Federal Drug Agency has already approved the drug -- even though it has yet to be produced or tested.
“This is too big a threat to worry about details,” declares the CDC insider, who wished to remain anonymous due to the stupidity of his remarks. “We really don’t know if there’s anything we can do to fight this virus, but if we throw enough money at it, it will at least look like we’re trying to do something!”

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