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Cosmic Chronicle
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| News you won't find anywhere else...on Earth |
| Editor-in-chief: Gary Greenberg |
| Contract leaked by White House
insider Trump inks deal with
Devil
By Jack ScratchUnderworld correspondent WASHINGTON, D.C.--In his biggest deal to date, President Donald J. Trump has sold his soul to the Devil!
In a bombshell world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that Trump signed the contract in blood after the Devil promised to make the investigation of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election go away. “As (Special Prosecutor Robert) Mueller’s investigation closed in, and Trump’s people couldn’t keep their stories straight, the President began to panic,” confides a high-level administration insider. “He realized that no amount of lying, intimidation and Fox network newscasts could stop the wheels of justice from churning out the truth. So he struck a deal with the Evil One.”
The White House had no comment about the contract itself, but press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders blasted the leaker, fuming, “It takes a real evil person to leak something so personal, especially with the President’s wide-range support among evangelicals.” Trump attorney Rudy “Foot-in-Mouth” Giuliani claims that the whole thing is just a big misunderstanding. “The contract was not with the Devil, it was for a sneaker endorsement deal with a Mr. Lucifer, who I believe is a rap mogul or something,” explains the former New York City Mayor. “When the President made his changes to the contract, he wanted to call the sneakers ‘soles’ to sound hip but spelled it wrong. We all know he’s not the world’s greatest speller.” In response, the Devil’s rep Ben Balaam tells the Cosmic Chronicle: “There were no misspellings. To tell the truth, Trump got a pretty good deal. A soul tarnished by all seven deadly sins -- pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth – really isn’t worth much. He was lucky to get anything more than an Obama heart attack, which was on the table at one point.”
“Oh, we sold our souls long ago to get some conservative Supreme Court justices,” admits the Rev. Ernst Blowhard, chief pastor at the Galloping Gospel Church and Thrift Shop. “The world’s going to Hell, but at least there won’t be any abortions when we get there.” Meanwhile, the Devil, whose Facebook profile was revealed in the April 15, 2009 issue of the Cosmic Chronicle, is apparently offering no guarantees. “Mueller's a tough nut to crack because he’s so honorable,” says Balaam about the special prosecutor. “If Lucifer can’t strike a deal with him, he might have to throw back Trump’s soul. Frankly, it wouldn’t be much of a loss.” |
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