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Cosmic Chronicle
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Editor-in-chief: Gary Greenberg
White House needs purifying after Trump
Biden names famed exorcist to transition team
By Jack Scratch
Chief Underworld correspondent
GREENVILLE, DEL. – President-elect Joe Biden has named exorcist Father Luke Merrin to ser
ve on his White House transition team, the Cosmic Chronicle can exclusively reveal.
Joe Biden
Joe Biden
       We're trying to keep it low-key, because there really are a lot of progressive Americans out there who understand that the Devil is a metaphor for evil, and not a real creature, and they may take exception to normalizing pagan beliefs,” says a Biden insider. “But the truth is, there’s a serious malevolent stench that has permeated the Trump White House, and Joe’s already gonna have his hands full fighting the forces of darkness in the Senate.”
     Biden, an avowed Catholic, has previously been shaken by a brush with the Devil's work. As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in November 2008, when then vice president-elect Biden was hosted by his predecessor, Dick Cheney, for an evening in the vice president’s official residence at the U.S. Naval Observatory, he stumbled upon a Satanic temple in a secret wing. Besides a contract between Cheney and “Lucifer” signed in blood, Biden found a torture chamber including a prototype water-boarding device manufactured by the Halliburton subsidiary, Abu-Garib Enterprises

Devil and hite House
White House full of the Devil
     Biden had Father Merrin exorcise that residence before he and (his wife) Jill moved in, and it seemed to work,” reveals the insider. “Meanwhile, Joe has long suspected that Trump made a deal with the Devil. He’s always saying, ‘How else could such an asshole get to be president?'
     Trump’s improbable rise from shady real estate tycoon and blowhard reality show host to President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, is so incredulous that even some scientists are pondering the possibility of  the supernatural coming into play.
As imbecilic as it may seem, you just can’t rule out the Devil,” says quantum physicist Gerald Einstein, a distant cousin of America’s most famous scientist. “Even Cousin Albert knew there are things going on that seem to transcend the physical laws of nature, like Dolly Parton's figure. Give it whatever name you want, but there obviously are some really weird forces in play right now, and an exorcism can’t hurt.”
Exocist Luke Merrin
Father Luke Merrin
     Father Merrin has a notable exorcist pedigree. His uncle, Father Lankester Merrin, shot to fame in the blockbuster 1973 docudrama The Exorcist but tragically died while attempting to rid possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil of the Evil One. His nephew Luke has followed in his footsteps, serving as Vatican exorcism consultant and also operating the website, motto: “A Demon is NOT forever!”
     “Gerald has his uncle’s knack for getting the Devil out of anyone, or anything,” says the insider. “But he’s definitely got his hands full trying to purify the Trump White House.”
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