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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else...on Earth
Editor-in-chief: Gary Greenberg
 It's An Udder Shame!
Dairy Cow Abuse Sparks "MooToo" Campaign
By George Greenjeans
Agricultural Correspondent

OKEECHOBEE, FLA.— Shocking undercover video of Florida dairy farm workers abusing milk cows has ignited a national moo-vement to raise awareness of the long-suffering bovine.
Cow abuse
Dairy worker gets a kick out of his job

     The video, allegedly shot on Larson Dairy Farm, shows workers kicking the cows, beating them with metal rods, and forcing them to watch endless loops of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
    And that’s just the tip of the horn when it comes to cow abuse, charges celebrity spokescow Elsie.
    “The beatings are the least of it,” Elsie tells the Cosmic Chronicle in an exclusive interview. “From coast to coast, dairy farmers keep us penned up day and night, feed us crappy grain, pump us full of hormones and antibiotics, and won’t keep their grubby hands off our teats.
    “It’s time for us to raise our voices and join the sisterhood of females from all species in fighting back against mankind.”
Elsie the Cow
Spokescow Elsie
     Elsie, who shot to fame as mascot of the Borden Dairy Company, adds that she was inspired to speak out by the #MeToo movement of human females.
    “The brave women who stepped forward to confront sexual abuse in the workplace are an inspiration for females everywhere,” she praises. “Believe me, whatever horrors we cows have been through must pale in comparison to the trauma of seeing Harvey Weinstein naked.”
    Elsie and her attorney, Gloria Cowred, recently launched the #MooToo social media campaign to unite cows across the nation in their battle against the widespread human harassment.
    “Cows everywhere are udderly fed up with being treated like animals,” snorts Cowred.”And they’re naming names.”
Young McDonald
Young McDonald

    One of the first big names to emerge is Old MacDonald. The seemingly benevolent farmer has allegedly led a demented double life as an unrepentent cow-beater.
    “The verse of that kiddie song should go: ‘E-I-E-I-OW!’” says Elsie. “And Young MacDonald is even worse. Besides beating us, there’s not a heifer on the farm that feels safe around that horny hick.”
    In response, Old MacDonald’s attorney Robert “Bullchip” Skinner released a statement saying: “Both Old MacDonald and his son have the utmost respect for all of the cows on the farm, and they regret that some of their actions may have been misconstrued.”
    Meanwhile, Conglomerated Union of Dairymen (CUD) director Mort Sauer, insists that Larson Dairy and Old McDonald are aberrations in the industry.
    “A vast majority of dairy farmers don’t make their cows watch the Kardashians or seduce heifers,” he declares. “To tell the truth, it seems to me that Elsie is milking these isolated incidences for all they’re worth.”
    But Elsie fires back: “We will not be cowed by our tormentors. It’s time for all females to herd together and shout out, ‘MooToo!’”
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