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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else...on Earth
Editor-in-chief: Gary Greenberg
 Trump claims vindication!
Robert Mueller Subpoenas Three Witches
By Krystal Ball
Occult Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.--In a stunning twist to the ongoing investigation of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election, special prosecutor Robert Mueller has subpoenaed three witches to testify about their roles in the blistering controversy.
    Upon reading about the subpoenas in Mad magazine, President Donald J. Trump triumphantly tweeted: “I’ve been telling you all along that this whole Russian thing is a witch hunt. Now I’m proven right. It’s a crooked investigation and whoever’s involved should be fired, or better yet, burnt at the steak [sic].”
Trump hair
President Trump

    U.S. intelligence agencies have fingered Russian internet trolls for trying to tilt the election towards Trump, a boorish billionaire with an unbridled lust for power and spray-on tans. But a source close to the investigation says Mueller’s team now believes the president also had supernatural help.

“We’ve known all along that there was something fishy about the Trump campaign,” says the source. “Any candidate who refuses to release his taxes, boasts about groping women, ridicules the disabled, and has embarrassingly bad hair would normally have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting elected dogcatcher, let alone president.”
    Mueller’s list of witches includes Samantha Stephens, the suburban sorceress depicted in the classic TV reality series Bewitched.
Samantha Stephens

    In an exclusive interview with the Cosmic Chronicle, the 147-year-old blond openly admitts voting for Trump, and more.

    “Life on Morning Glory Lane went straight into the crapper when Obama was in office,” she grouses. “After (husband) Darrin lost his job at the advertising agency and (daughter) Tabitha got hooked on meth, I turned to the dark side and cast a spell that caused the whole neighborhood to vote Republican.”
    The Cosmic Chronicle can reveal that Mueller will also call horny Sleeping Beauty bombshell Maleficent and Harry Potter nemesis Bellatrix Lestrange. Neither witch could be reached for comment
despite repeated phone calls, emails and incantations, but our source confides: “Maleficent used her evil powers to put great swaths of Democrats in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin into an unnatural sleep on Election Day. We believe that Bellatrix was recruited by the Dark Lord, Steve Bannon, for purposes that remain nebulous but may be linked to the witch supremacy movement.”
    Shockingly, Mueller is said to be looking into allegations that Trump himself is involved in the dark arts.
Robert Mueller
Robert Mueller

    “Let’s face it – a 71-year-old who survives on
McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza and Diet Coke should weigh about 400 pounds and have arteries as clogged up as Republican legislation,” notes the source. “But Trump’s in perfect health. It’s as unnatural as his tan.”
    Meanwhile, Mueller hasn’t been as fortunate.
    “It’s really weird,” says the source. “Since Bob started looking into collusion between Trump and the witches, he’s broken out in painful boils, and his house has been infested with rats, roaches, bedbugs, IRS agents and other vermin. I don’t know how much more of this he can take.”
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