|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 3, Issue 1 -- 01.01.2010|
Engineer taps the power of stress
By Xavier ValdezEnvironmental correspondent
“This is a transformative discovery,” proclaims International Energy Agency spokesman Adam Powers. “If we can corral the power of stress, we can have a limitless supply of energy that is cheap, clean and readily available wherever women are found.”
Dr. P.H. Barnum, an electrical engineering professor at the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says he got the brilliant idea of tapping the energy of stress while out for a Sunday drive with his wife Bertha.
Barnum, 42, got to work in the lab, and within a scant six months developed a prototype brassiere that, when worn normally, absorbs stress, converts it to electromagnetic energy and stores it in a lightweight proton battery cell.
“Converting stress into electromagnetic energy was the easy part,” says Barnum. “But fusing the network of nanotransformers into a bra was tough because I’m not a very good seamstress.”
Barnum plans to expand his StressDress line of undergarments to include panties, girdles and thongs and says it will revolutionize the energy industry.
“When in contact with the skin, it’s surprisingly efficient,” he says. “For example, a badly broken fingernail can create enough stress in a woman to power a 55-inch plasma TV for an hour. And a visit by a mother-in-law could probably provide enough energy to run an entire household for a week.
“Dress for stress and save the world!”
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contest to rename theory
Christian group protests Big Bang
By Peter Paul Matthews
“Saying that the universe began with a Big Bang cheapens this Devine creation,” notes Wilfred Blunderghast, president of the Society of United Christian Knights for Evangelical Reform [SUCKER]. “It makes the whole blessed thing sound like something that happened between some cheerleaders and players in a high school football team locker room.”
The Big Bang theory holds that the universe as we know it was created when a massive concentration of cosmic material exploded about 14 billion years ago, spreading debris that would eventually become stars, galaxies, nebulas, planets, comets, asteroids and other heavenly bodies, such as Angelina Jolie.
SUCKER is now sponsoring a contest to rename the theory, with the winner getting an all-expenses-paid vacation to scenic Flatwoods for the organization’s annual pig roast and cross burning.
“If you ask me, it should be called the Big Lie,“ blasts Blunderghast. “As we all know from the Bible, God created the heavens and the Earth in six days about 6,000 years ago. The Big Bang is the biggest insult to Him since that ridiculous theory of evolution!”
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