|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 20 -- 10.15.2009|
Moon bombed in War on TerrorBy Shlomo Garcia
That’s the explosive revelation unveiled by former Central Intelligence Agency director George Tenet, who’s ripping the lid off the suicide bombing of a remote crater on the moon’s south pole by a NASA probe.
“After we couldn’t find Saddam’s weapons in
“So we set the plans in motion to blow up the WMDs before al-Qaida or any other terrorists could get their hands on them.”
Even though Iraqi dissident Chalabi had blatantly lied about the existence of the WMDs to begin with and helped spark the misguided Iraq War, the $79 million mission was approved by President Bush. And it was overlooked by President Obama, who was too preoccupied dealing with the war in
Tenet refused to detail how Hussein, the late Iraqi leader, supposedly transported the weapons to the moon in secret, citing national security concerns.
“If I revealed that,
Caught flat-footed, Obama’s people launched a bold public relations campaign to deflect the fallout from such an inane undertaking. They christened it the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite mission [LCROSS] and claimed it was really designed to uncover water on the moon.
“Water on the moon?” he says. “Sure. Next thing you know, they’re going to go looking for green cheese, ha-ha, ho-ho, tee-hee, green cheese...and while they’re at it, they can look for the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees.
“They’re coming to take me away, ha-ha, ho-ho, tee-hee...”
For past issues of the Cosmic Chronicle, check out the Archive
Monster RoundupBy Kay Daver
Addams Family divorce nightmare
“Morticia had a fling with Thing,” charges Gomez, referring to the disembodied hand that served the family. “It’s pretty bad. The kids are falling apart, Uncle Fester is getting lit and even Cousin Itt calls it a hairy situation.”
“She knows what that can do to a man -- or even a part of a man,” says the devastated industrialist.
According to court papers, Morticia is seeking custody of the couple’s two children, Pugsley and Wednesday, claiming Gomez “would provide too stable of an environment for them to develop abnormally.”
Morticia was reportedly traveling in
But the family butler, Lurch, told the Cosmic Chronicle: “Uuuuhhhhh!”
Mummy comes unwrapped -- again
“I warned him to stay away from athletic events due to the massive amounts of adhesive tape around,” says Dr. Mustaba Fixortu, director of Pharaoh's Rehabilitation Clinic in
As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its Oct. 15, 2008 issue, the Mummy got hooked on adhesive tape because it reinforced his constantly unraveling linen and made him feel more powerful. But he overdosed on the stuff and nearly died – again.
“We thought he’d beaten his demons,” says his own distraught mummy Queen Isnofret. “And he loves soccer. So we let him out to go to a game.”
But the Mummy lost it completely as soon as he saw the Ibises’ trainer taping up a player’s ankle on the sideline. The ancient ghoul went on a rampage, causing a gigantic sandstorm, scattering the spectators and forcing the trainer to tape his ankles – and more!
“I wound up using up about 20 rolls,” says the plucky trainer, Mohammad Falee. “After I taped him from head to toe, he couldn’t move -- and he still wanted more.
“To tell the truth, it was pretty pathetic.”
Jack O’Lantern meets grisly endSLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. – Halloween legend Jack O’Lantern tragically died when he was accidentally baked in a pumpkin pie by the widow Doris Dulaney.
“I feel really bad about it,” says 86-year-old Mrs. Dulaney, who is deaf and legally blind. “I thought it was a regular pumpkin and I guess I just couldn’t hear his bloodcurdling screams as I sliced him up and beat him to a juicy pulp.”
O’Lantern, whose given name was Stingy Jack, was a shrewd farmer who tricked the Devil back in olden times and saved several souls. Enraged at being fooled, the Devil turned Jack’s head into a pumpkin and jabbed an eternally burning hunk of hellfire into it.
But, sadly, Mrs. Dulaney baked the snaggled-toothed icon for 60 minutes at 350 degrees, bringing a sad end to one of the most recognizable symbols of Halloween.
O’Lantern leaves behind some seeds, and his horrific death has spooked the whole Halloween community.
“I’ll really miss old Jack,” says his cousin, the Headless Horseman. “He was a great guy -- always had a smile on his face.”
I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicle as much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- to help support this invaluable source of information you'll find nowhere else, we'd gladly accept it. Donations, which are tax-deductible on several planets (check your own world's tax policies for eligibility), can be made through PayPal or by check. For PayPal donations, click here and remit to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Checks or money orders can be made out to SuperWriter, Inc. and mailed to: SuperWriter, Inc., 398 Pine Circle, Boca Raton, FL 33432, USA, Planet Earth.
Thanks for your support,
Toxins that accumulate in our bodies increase the occurance of free radicals, those nasty, unstable oxygen molecules that play a significant role in aging, cancer, disease and a host of other maladies -- even cellulite!
So what can YOU do about it?
Make a friend's day:
Forward him or her or it the link to this issue of the Cosmic Chronicle!
If you want to subscribe, just fill in the form below.