A collection of newpaper columns, stories and other debris from the slightly warped mind of award-winning journalist Gary Greenberg.
Cosmic Debris
by Gary GreenbergGeneric Debris
This is a generic Cosmic Debris column, designed to be used in case of illness,
natural disaster or other acts of God – such as a computer meltdowns – which might
prevent me from writing a column any given month and thus deprive intelligent life
in the universe of my wit and wisdom and run-on sentences.
When I say "generic," I mean something that will withstand the test of time,
like the Gettysburg Address or Shakespeare or the Beatles.
"...Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers said to be or not to be, or
to let it be, that is the question, whether she came in through the bathroom
window to say that all men are created equal..."
As you can see, writing something timeless is much easier if you work as a
team. So how about helping me write a generic website column? Or better yet, let
me help you write one. It’s easy if you know the proper steps.
Step One is to pick a topic. It doesn't really matter what it is because you
won't know what to say about it until you see what you write. So pick a topic, any
topic. If you can't think of anything, just pick the first thing that comes to mind.
Anything will do.
Except that. This is a family website. What's your next choice?
Religion?
Gee, I hate to be such a party-pooper, but you have to remember that this
is a humor column. And while religion might be a good topic for priests, televagilists,
philosophers and all, it's not the kind of thing that takes a pie to the face very
well. I mean, even the great Hemingway once said, "Never make fun of religion. A
lot of people take it seriously and, who knows, they may be right."
Even the great Hemingway was afraid of teasing religion, and he wasn't
afraid of much else – man nor beast – so long as he had a loaded weapon within reach.
Say, this is really working out quite well. As you can see, we're almost
halfway through our column already and we haven't even chosen a topic yet. But
that's got to change soon. The family humor column-writing bible, sub-titled
Anything Goes Except Sex and Religion, clearly states that all columns must have a
subject by their midpoint or 3 p.m. on Fridays, whichever comes first. This gives us
exactly 25 words or less, or two minutes to figure out something...
...tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
I'm waiting.
...tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
C'MON ALREADY!!!
What's that you say? Life?
Like the big canvass, eh? Well, you really know how to pick 'em. Life is a
wonderful topic because, unlike death and taxes, life is funny. Unlike death and
taxes, life isn't inevitable. It has to be conceived, a process which we, of course,
can't discuss on a family website. But the question is not what I want to discuss.
It's what you want to say about life.
Step Two in writing a successful humor column is that once you have a topic,
you then have to say something funny about it, or at least make a clever
observation like, "Life spelled backwards is efil."
Don't look at me in that tone of voice. There's a thin line between funny and
stupid. One man's Chaplin is another man's Butthead. And, uh, don't be afraid to
jump in any time now. After all, this is supposed to be your column.
What do you mean, you don't know what to say? Do what I do. Warm up a
little. Throw out some words just for practice. We can always delete them later.
Try free association. Start with the word, "life," and just see what pops out of
your mind.
Life, love, dove, feather, furry, bear, cave, fear, fire, light, love, life...
Not bad. A touch of rhyme, some alliteration and a nice round pattern where
you wind up where you begin. Metaphorically, your first attempt mirrors the
circular nature of life, as stated in the timeless theme song, Circle of Life, of that
timeless movie, The Lion King.
There's only one problem. This is supposed to be a humor column, and those
words just aren't funny enough. Funny words include (but are not limited to):
platypus, laxative, squash, toenail, weimaraner, succotash, galoshes, bodacious,
dodo, dachshund, quasijudicial, poppycock, syllable, bedlam, newt and gringrich.
If you can't think of anything funny to say about life in general, then say
something funny about your own silly life.
You can't believe you're sitting around reading this nonsense when you could
be doing something more useful like watching the Golf Channel or having brain
surgery?
I like that, except...
Life's too short to waste your time reading Cosmic Debris...
Well, there's no reason to be nasty...
Nasty is as nasty does. Life is like a box of chocolates, it melts in the sun.
Now hold on right here. I can see this column has taken a dangerous turn
towards sarcasm.
It's not sarcasm. It's evil. Pure and through. Live backwards is evil, you need
only to look into the mirror to see it...
That's enough. I'm cutting you off right now...
You can't get rid of me so easily. You invited me here and I'll say what
I want. I will control the vertical. I will control the horizonal. I am now in
complete control of this column.
That's a boldface lie.
Boldface, yes. Lie, no.
Why, I’ll gurumpt...sprffft.....offfffft...
Excuse me while I get rid of this Cosmic pest. He did get to be such a
nuisance, like a mosquito whining in your ear, didn't he? Now we can get to
the good stuff, the things we're all really interested in: scandal and violence.
Life is funnier when it's blown up or shot full of holes. Even kids watching
cartoons know that. And which headline gets your interest? "Woman donates
fortune to charity" or "Woman sells husband's liver to buy big screen TV."
It's a sick world out there and...
Hold it right there, pal.
You can't stop me now. I'm on a roll. So just back off and let go. I
have a lot to say and...
Too bad. We're out of room for this week.
Cyberspace is unlimited. You can't cut me off.
Oh yes I can!
Hold on. What’re doing with that axe?
You’ll see.
Watch out! Hey! Be careful with that thi