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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 1 -- 01.01.2009
Presidential shocker
Alien charges leveled at Obama
By Jack Slack
Political correspondent
, PA.
--Barack Obama’s historic presidency has been rocked before it begins by an explosive lawsuit charging that he is ineligible to hold office – because he’s an alien!
Morton P. Snodgrass

    “Scores of suits have been filed questioning the authen- ticity of Obama’s American citizenship, but there is a much more basic issue here – and that is whether he’s even an Earthling,” says noted UFOlogist Morton P. Snodgrass.
    “The current mythology is that Barack Obama’s mother was swept off her feet by a Kenyan exchange student, but the truth is that he was an alien -- from outer space.”
    Snodgrass has filed legal papers with the U.S. Supreme Court seeking an emergency injunction to postpone Obama’s Jan. 20 inauguration until after a DNA test is completed.
    And the self-professed alien tracker has blockbuster photographic evidence to support his seemingly outlandish charge.
Barack Obama Sr.
Barack Obama Sr.
Revealed here exclusively by the Cosmic Chronicle, the photo captures Obama’s late father, Barack Sr., in an unguarded moment with his third eye exposed.
Barack Obama Jr.
Barack Obama Jr.
    One extraterrestrial expert notes that Barack Jr. also exhibits some alien traits.
    “The features are unmistakable -- his long, lean, nearly hairless body, the streamlined shape of his head, and spindly legs,” says Dr. Hans Klaatu, professor of alien studies at the University of Roswell in New Mexico. “He’s also an honest, fair-minded and totally logical being, which is unheard of in a human politician.”
    Even though Snodgrass’ lawsuit is considered absurd by both legal and scientific scholars, it’s still managed to spark a firestorm of controversy.
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh
     “The only thing worse than a tax-and-spend liberal is a tax-and-spend alien,” declares conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh.    
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson

    Meanwhile, others are rushing to support the president-elect.
    “This is clearly an attack against all alien-Americans,” blasts pop star Michael Jackson, honorary chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Alien People (NAACAP). “Why’s everybody always picking on us?”
    But even if Obama is proven to be part alien, Constitutional law expert John Quincy Public says it may not legally disqualify him from becoming president.
    “The Constitution doesn’t define any species-related requirements for the office of the presidency,” explains Public. “One only has to be a citizen, and citizenship is conferred on ‘all persons’ born in the United States or to U.S. citizens abroad.
    “The key is whether or not a half-human can be considered a ‘person,’ though I must say that hasn’t seemed to have impacted Dick Cheney’s career too much.”

News update
Somali pirates lose hijacked spaceship
By Ace Sweeney
Intergalactic correspondent
--In a stunning turn of events, the Somali pirates who hijacked a spaceship and put it up for sale on eBay have been left with nothing!
Hijacked spaceship
Somalis towing hijacked spaceship
    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported in its Dec. 15 issue, Somali pirates towed a disabled space craft to their lawless stronghold here on the Horn of Africa but were unable to gain entry to the vehicle.
Having no one to ransom it to, they listed it on the Internet auction website eBay and had already received a billion- dollar bid  from the Chinese when two aliens finally emerged from the spaceship.
“They came out looking like they needed a drink,” Somali pirate leader Yahoodi Doodi tells the Cosmic Chronicle through an interpreter. “So we gave them some rotgoot al-kohl [the potent local brew] and they quickly gained strength.”
Boozing aline
Epsilon Indian enjoying a bottle of   rotgoot al-kohl
    Alien expert Timothy O’Hara Jr. says the strange visitors probably came from the nearby Epsilon Indi star system.
    “The Epsilon Indians’ blood is known to be alcohol-based,”  explains O’Hara, a freelance journalist whose father famously housed a Martian known as “Uncle” Martin O’Hara in the 1960s. “My guess is that, for some reason, their blood-alcohol level fell too low on their long trip and they lost consciousness.”
    O’Hara adds that some kind of emergency resuscitation device must have kicked into gear and delivered a life-saving measure of alcohol about 48 hours after the aliens crashed-landed into the sea off the coast of Somalia.
    "Upon emerging, their immediate need would have been to locate alcohol," says O'Hara.
Yahoodi Doodi
Yahoodi Doodi
“Kind of like college students on Spring Break.”
Pirate leader Doodi gripes that the aliens not only cost them a billion-dollar payday but also cleaned them out of booze before leaving.
“We had a smashing good time until the little bastards paralyzed us with the blast of a ray gun, packed all of our rotgoot al-kohl into their spaceship and blasted off,” he moans.
“Now, what am I going to tell the Chinese?”

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The Cosmic Cafe
Brandon McConnell
Our featured artist:
Brandon McConnell

 Brandon first saw spray paint space art being done on a trip to Tijuana, Mexico, when he was just eight years old -- and now he  has become a spray paint master in his own right.

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 some of Brandon's awesome work.

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