|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 2 -- 01.15.2009|
True crime shocker!
Saudi busted in model ova-selling plot
By John T. Ripper
Ahmet Abu-Abu, one of the world’s leading manufacturers of burqas, the veiled robes worn by Muslim women, was taken into custody by an FBI-Interpol task force on his horse farm outside
“But they are just women,” Abu-Abu protested as he was hauled away in handcuffs. “For Allah’s sake, the next thing you know they’ll be arresting me for slaughtering lambs -- or penning up my chickens!”
Six of the models who responded were imprisoned on the horse farm, where they say they were fed little but hummus, falafels and stale pita bread. During 11 months of captivity, the models’ ova were systematically harvested by Dr. Stephen Hacker, a dwarf obstetrician whose
The eggs were then sold to wealthy Arab men -- for up to $50,000 each!
“In primitive cultures, arranged marriages are still quite common,” notes renowned anthropologist Clive Nosegay. “If a rich man winds up with a woman who has a face like a camel, I can see how he would be tempted to buy ova from a model so he could have beautiful children -- or at least kids who take a good picture.”
FBI agent Winnig adds that the horse farm was perfect cover.
Abu-Abu was also accused of supplying the al-Qaida terror network with propaganda photos of the scantily clad models posing as the virgins who supposedly await suicide bombers in heaven.
“It’s bad enough to be kidnapped and have my eggs stolen,” says one of the models. “But to hear I may have helped to inspire suicide bombings really makes me sick. I mean, I really need to find a new agent.”
The diabolical operation was finally exposed after one of Abu-Abu’s clients complained to authorities.
“We had twins and both are dwarfs,” fumes Abdul, CEO of Burqas ’R Us. “They even look like that ugly little doctor.
“If I could get my hands on him now, I would feed his genitals to my dogs.”
Where Are They Now?
‘Uncle Martin’ finishes anthropology study
By Tim O’Hara Jr.
SCORPULUS, MARS-- Exigius 12½, better known as Uncle Martin O’Hara from the ’60s TV series My Favorite Martian, has finally completed his anthro- pological study of life on Earth, Strangers in a
“It was a long time coming,” Exigius tells the Cosmic Chronicle in an exclusive interview. “But I believe this study will offer invaluable insight into the oft-frightening human mind as they make their first sustained forays into space.”
Exigius was on an anthro- pological expedition when his spaceship crash-landed outside
Around the same time, O’Hara was approached by visionary TV producer Jack Chertok, who was interested in doing a series following the daily life of a reporter in an experimental genre of TV called a "reality show." And as soon as Chertok met O’Hara’s seemingly eccentric uncle, he was sold.
The series, My Favorite Martian, ran for three seasons. And even though the shows were shot unscripted with real people, such as O’Hara’s nosy neighbor Mrs. Brown, it was always assumed to be just another sitcom due to “Uncle Martin’s” retractable antennae and abilities to disappear, levitate objects, read minds and utilize a host of other fantastic powers.
While working on his anthropological study, Exigius tragically lost his beloved wife Arsia 9¼ in a freak mining mishap. He now lives with his stunning daughter Arsia 3¾ in Scorpulus, a bustling subterranean city in the northern hemisphere of the Red Planet.
“My experiences on Earth taught me a lot about patience in dealing with primitive life forms,” says Exigius. “It was a fascinating glimpse into what Martians must have been like millions of years ago.”
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