Cosmic Chronicle

Breaking news

Devil disputes Robertson on Haiti

By Peter Paul Matthews
Religion correspondent

Rev. Pat Robertson

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA. – After televangelist Pat Robertson declared that the Devil is behind the wave of natural disasters that have plagued Haiti, the Evil One stepped forward to declare that Robertson is a natural disaster!
    The Rev. Robertson shocked anyone with the slightest inkling of compassion by insinuating the catastrophic earthquake that devastated the calamity-prone Caribbean island was the Haitian’s own fault.
    “They were under the heel of the French and they got together and swore a pact to the Devil.,” he explained. “They said, ‘We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.’
    “And the Devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

The Devil

    But in a world exclusive interview, the Devil tells the Cosmic Chronicle that he has nothing to do with Haiti’s woes.
    “I’ve always been much more interested in tormenting the rich and famous than the poor and downtrodden,” says the Evil One. “Still, I appreciate Pat Robertson’s ignorance, bigotry and intolerance.
    “It’s people like him that make my job so easy!”

Of course, the situation in

Haiti

is not funny. But you can help out
Donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting ‘HAITI’ to 90999

Crisis in Crawford

George W. Bush is turning invisible

By Shlomo Garcia
National correspondent
CRAWFORD, TEX. – In a shocking world exclusive, the Cosmic Chronicle can reveal the real reason former president George W. Bush is so rarely seen in public these days – he’s turning invisible!

The ex-president in Crawford

    “George always was a bit of a lightweight, but he’s really fading away now,” confides a Bush family friend. “Often, you can see right through him.”
    The bizarre condition apparently stems back to ailing ex-leader’s White House days.
    “Laura first noticed it during the Republican presidential primaries, when none of the candidates wanted to be seen with him,” says the family friend. “On several occasions, the first lady told me: ‘George just isn’t all there.’ I didn’t realize that she meant it literally.”
    Sadly, since Bush left Washington the condition has worsened.
    “It got really bad after President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize just for not being George W. Bush,” explains the friend. “Nowadays, the poor guy really has to concentrate to be 100 percent there.

Bush clearing brush

    “When he’s distracted clearing brush at the ranch or riding his bike, he just about vanishes completely. In fact, the other day he was playing with his toy cars on the floor and I could hear him making zoom-zoom sounds, but I could barely see him.”
    Yet Bush still seems capable of willing himself to be more visible at times.
    “If he has to make a public appearance at a grocery store opening or something, he can make himself look normal,” says the friend. “It’s really the strangest thing.”
    Doctors are baffled by the onetime commander-in-chief’s extraordinary affliction.
    “His vital signs are good, and for better or worse, his brain function remains unchanged from previous readings,” notes Dr. Al Z. Heimer, chief of staff at the Crawford Neurological Institute and Bait Shop.
“I believe it may be due to a psychological neurosis with physical manifestations, like a panic-stricken person breaking out in hives or [former vice president] Dick Cheney growing devil-like horns.”

Dick Cheney

    No matter what the cause, Bush sightings have been rare since he left office. And political experts say that is very unusual for an ex-president.
    “These guys typically have huge egos and need a lot of attention - not to mention big money from personal appearances,” says presidential historian George Washington Schwartz. “But Bush has been a veritable invisible man. Now we know why.”
    Adds the friend: “George has definitely done a vanishing act. The problem is it’s no act!”

Editor's Note:

I hope you enjoy reading the Cosmic Chronicleas much as my staff of the finest news correspondents in the universe and I enjoy bringing it to you. Our reward is giving you a laugh or two in these trying times, but if you would like to contribute something more marketable -- like money, gold or Federation credits -- please donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need.
Thanks,
Gary Greenberg
Editor-in-chief

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