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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 4, Issue 1 -- 01.15.2011
Astrological shift roils Washington
Rhetoric heats up over zodiac signs
By Krystal Ball
Spiritual correspondent

WASHINGTION, D.C. – A stunning revelation that the astrological signs are nearly a month off-kilter has sparked a bitter battle on Capitol Hill, and experts predict the nation’s very fortune rides in the balance!
    “Astrologically speaking, this is the biggest thing to happen since it was discovered that Virgo is no longer a virgin!” exclaims political pundit Rolf Retch. “The whole thing has House Speaker [John] Boehner in tears – again!”

    Republican Rep. Boehner was a Scorpio before the centuries-old news of the stellar misalignment broke on Jan. 13, but he’s really a Libra.

John Boehner crying
House weeper Boehner
    “Scorpios have magnetic personalities – they are powerful, passionate and vehemently anti-tax,” notes famed astrologer Thomas P. Bunkmeister. “But Libras are easy-going, idealistic and gullible, which are decidedly liberal traits.
    “The only good news for Boehner is that as Libra the Scales he can now claim to be fair and balanced, just like Fox News.”

    The sudden realization that Earth’s axial wobble has shifted the constellations of the zodiac over the past 3,000 years has thrust Congress into yet another gridlock, with the conservatives insisting that everyone’s signs should remain the same and liberals demanding a switch to the new alignment.
Nancy Pelosi
Ram tough? Nancy Pelosi

    “The Republicans are just hiding their heads in the sand like they’ve done with global warming, unsustainable health care and Lindsay Lohan,” blasts House minority leader Nancy Pelosi, who is said to be delighted in changing from imaginative but weak-willed Pisces the Fish to dynamic, quick-witted Aries the Ram. “We progressives want to move ahead and propose allocating $10 billion for a new government program to help people transition into their new signs.”

    But Beltway insiders say the proposed Constellation Realignment Adjustment Program (CRAP) has scant chance of passing the Republican-controlled House. And that has the legislators at each other’s throats.

    “Even if she is an Aries, former Speaker Pelosi can’t ram legislation down our throats anymore,” says a weepy Boehner. “Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-naaah!”
Palin the Aquarian
Palin the Aquarian

    Conservative icon Sarah Palin chimed in while simultaneously skinning a Kodiak bear and vacuum packing Caribou steaks.

    “Is this a change we can believe in – I think not,” she declared. “Don’t realign the cosmos, reload!”

    Under the new alignment of the zodiac, Palin would be moving from inventive and unpredictable Aquarius to practical and prudent Capricorn, the celestial goat.

    “More like mainstream media goat," she quipped.

    So far, the only voice conspicuously absent has been that of President Obama, who has yet to officially weigh in on the issue. Retch suspects it’s because the commander-in-chief would go from being Leo the Lion to Cancer the Crab, which the pundit says sums up his presidency to this point.

    “Obama started out like the king of the jungle but now seems to be more like an unfortunately-named invertebrate that can only move sideways,” explains Retch. “To tell the truth, this may be a good time for him to score some brownie points with the Republicans by siding with them.”
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