|News you won't find anywhere else||Vol 2, Issue 3 -- 02.01.2009|
Obama names Spock to lead NASABy Jim McNutt
NASA Bureau Chief
“With decades of intergalactic travel under his belt, I believe Mr. Spock has the experience to boldly lead us where no man has gone before,” declares Obama, 47.
Spock, 128, served as the first officer of the starship
“I’m happy to serve mankind in whatever way possible, and I believe that President Obama has the best interests of humanity in mind,” says Spock. “In fact, he reminds me of myself – intelligent, logical, half-human...”
As the Cosmic Chronicle revealed in a blockbuster world exclusive on Jan. 1, Obama has alien blood.
Spock is also of mixed blood, with a human mom and a dad from the planet Vulcan -- and he has more in common with the new president than an alien ancestry.
“Mr. Spock shares my vision for an energy efficient means to travel to worlds far away from obstructionist Republicans and Governor Rod Blagojevich,” notes Obama. “And we really need someone to turn around our space program. At the rate we’re going, Hamas is going to beat us back to the moon!”
NASA has been plagued by problems epitomized by a projected five-year gap between the end of the space shuttle program in 2010 and the start of the next generation of space flight, the Constellation project.
As the Cosmic Chronicle reported on Aug. 1, NASA officials plan to fill the gap by using a revamped Dodge Grand Caravan with its patented Stow ‘n Go storage system to transport astronauts and supplies to the International Space Station.
“That simply is not satisfactory, especially considering the Caravan’s lousy gas mileage,” blasts Obama. “I really believe we need a new direction at NASA, and I’m confident Mr. Spock is the half-man for the job.”
Spock agrees, saying: “I find the prospects...fascinating.”
Diabolical al-Qaida plot
Terrorist geese brought down planeBy Shlomo Garcia
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The flock of geese that forced the pilot of U.S. Airways Flight 1549 to make a dramatic emergency landing in the frigid Hudson River were trained by al-Qaida terrorists!
That’s the shocking conclusion of the Department of Homeland Security after a joint investigation with the Federal Aviation Administration and National Transportation Safety Board, says a high-placed government source.
“This really has everyone freaked out,” admits the source. “If terrorists can train birds to do their bidding, we could be at their mercy.”
That chilling prospect gained credibility when the Arab news network Al Jazeera released an audio tape of al-Qaida deputy operations chief Ayman al-Zawahiri proclaiming: “What’s bad for the goose is good for al-Qaida!”
And a shocking photo of an al-Qaida-trained goose has surfaced, showing the bird wearing a keffiyeh-style headdress popular with suicide bombers and other terrorists. In fact, the fanatical fowl seem to have the same disregard for civilian life as their human counterparts.
The U.S. Airways Airbus A320 with 155 people on board lost power to both engines when two geese flew directly into the engines shortly after takeoff from
Famed ornithologist Dr. Billy Rubin notes that geese -- especially ganders -- can be easily trained.
“Like most male creatures, they’ll do anything for food and sex,” explains Rubin.
The Obama administration is keeping the investigation under wraps due to its sensitive nature, but former vice president Dick Cheney notes that terrorist-trained birds bringing down aircraft presents the biggest national security threat since George W. Bush. And he believes there is just one way to deal with the problem.
“We have to eliminate all the geese,” says Cheney. “If you own a shotgun, this is the time to use it!”
Toxins that accumulate in our bodies increase the occurance of free radicals, those nasty, unstable oxygen molecules that play a significant role in aging, cancer, disease and a host of other maladies -- even cellulite!
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