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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 3, Issue 3 -- 02.01.2010
Special Super Bowl report
Catholic saints boost New Orleans 
By Jacques Strapp
Sports correspondent
LAS VEGAS, NEV. -- In a stunning turnaround, oddsmakers are favoring the New Orleans Saints over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV after it was revealed that the Catholic saints are rooting for their gridiron namesakes!
St. Christopher
Saint Christopher
    “We had Indy by four and a half points until we got word that the saints were backing the Saints,” says Las Vegas bookie Jimmy the Greek Orthodox.     “Lord knows, you don’t want to bet against a bunch of miracle-workers -- at least not without points.”
    Divine powers certainly seemed to be at work in the NFC championship game, where the Saints were outplayed by the Minnesota Vikings but still managed to eke out a 31-28 victory in the overtime nail-biter.
    St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers and turnovers, helped keep New Orleans in the game by forcing the Vikings into five giveaways to the Saints’ one.
    And despite being picked apart for 310 yards by Minnesota’s 40-year-old quarterback Brett Favre, the
St. Joan of Arc
Saint Joan of Arc
Saints secondary came through when it needed big plays, thanks to the support of St. Joan of Arc, patron saint of soldiers and zone defenses.
    “We couldn’t get a break,” moaned the Vikings dumbfounded coach Brad Childress. “It was like there was some kind of supernatural force that kept the ball bouncing the wrong way for us.”
    Meantime, St. Lucy, the patron saint of eyes, worked some of her magic on the referees late in the game as several close calls went New Orleans’ way.
    “The refs seemed blind to late hits on Brett Favre throughout the game,” notes Cardinal Giovanni Gonadi, the Vatican’s emissary to the National Football League. “And the calls in overtime even had His Holiness chanting: ‘Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say gonna beat dem Saints!’”
    Of course, the whole season has been nothing short of a miracle for New Orleans, and it’s all been orchestrated by the team’s fiery leader, quarterback Drew Brees. Vatican insiders confide that Brees could be up for sainthood himself if he wins the Super Bowl.
Dree Brees
Saint Drew?
    “You only need two miracles to be eligible for beautification,” explains the insider. “Just getting the Saints to the Super Bowl is one, and if they win, we could be looking at the new St. Drew.
    “Pope Benedict the XIV is so excited he’s changing his name to Benedict XLIV for Super Sunday. As far as the Church goes, the Saints making the Super Bowl is the best thing to happen since the Immaculate Reception!”
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Long distance to the afterlife
New iPhone app dials up the dead
By Krystal Ball
Spiritual correspondent

-- An amazing new iPhone app goes way beyond long distance calling by allowing ordinary people to contact the dead like psychics!
DeadTalk app
The new iPhone app

Called DeadTalk, the app was developed by Apple™ with the help of Allison DuBois, the famed channel who inspired the hit TV show Medium.
“I figured why should I, and a few other gifted people like me, be the only ones who have to deal with the really, really, REALLY old folks,” she says. “Believe me, they’re a handful, especially when you have kids to take care of, too!”
    By charting DuBois’ brainwave patterns while she was in contact with a homicidal spirit from the afterlife, crack psycho-engineers at The Apple™ Institute were able to develop a hot line to the Beyond.
Slashdot Moodle
Slashdot Moodle

    “It was really cool, even though in the first test call my late grandmother told me she never really liked me,” says chief engineer Marvin “Slashdot” Moodle. “But Uncle Al was a gas, as usual. The joker gave me some lottery numbers to play – and they all turned out to be losers.”

    The remarkable new app is free, but calls to the afterlife can run $100 a minute -- or more!

    “It’s hard to say how much a call to a specific spirit will cost,” says DeadTalk pricing director Frank M. Bezzler. “Some souls drift into other realms quite quickly and cost more to
contact, while
Steve Jobs
Jobs touts the new app
others, like Elvis Presley’s, seem to hang around forever and can be had for much less.”
    Bezzler reiterates that the new app is free and can be downloaded at

    “It’s the most exciting thing to happen in communications since the iPhone,” crows Apple™ chief Steve Jobs. “And it’s guaranteed to make me even richer!”

Editor's Note:
Gary Greenberg, Editor-in=chief
I normally make a rather fruitless bid for funding in this spot. But for the next few months or so, please use some of the money you're not contributing to the Cosmic Chronicle and donate it to one of the organizations that are helping the Haitian people in this time of great need.
Gary Greenberg

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Joe Tucciarone
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