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Cosmic Chronicle
News you won't find anywhere else Vol 2, Issue 4 -- 02.15.2009
Aviation shocker
Hero pilot exposed as an android
By Shlomo Garcia
National correspondent

DANVILLE, CALIF.--There’s a good reason why hero pilot Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenburger III acted so cool and collected as he landed crippled U.S. Airway Flight 1549 in the icy Hudson River -- he’s an android!

    “With no engine power, obstacles like bridges and boats to avoid and the fate of 155 people hanging in the balance, no human could face such a potential disaster so calmly,” says aviation historian Aileen Wright. “It took nerves of steel -- literally!”
US Air Flight 1549 under attack
U.S. Air Flight 1549 under attack

    As the Cosmic Chronicle reported on Feb. 1, geese trained by terrorists disabled the Airbus A320 by flying into the engines. And cockpit tapes of  Sullenburger during the Jan. 15 crisis reveal him casually noting that he’d lost thrust to both engines and the nearest landing strip was too far away to reach with no power.

    “We’re going to be in the Hudson,” he told air traffic controllers between yawns.

    Voice analysis expert Jim Larynx says: “There is absolutely no element of panic, or even stress, in his voice. He might as well have been telling his wife, ‘That pot roast sure hit the spot.’”
Sully android
Under construction:
Android Sully

    Further investigation has revealed a shocking photo of the Sullenburger android being assembled at an undisclosed location. And Sullenburger may not be the only airline pilot to be secretly replaced by a robot.

    “Let’s face it,” says Wright, the great-grand- daughter of aviation pioneer Orville Wright. “Most airplane crashes are caused by human error, so it makes sense airline officials would want to minimize that risk by removing the human element.”

    When contacted by the Cosmic Chronicle, Sullenberger’s wife Lorrie was shocked to hear that her husband was an android, though she did admit that his body sometimes made mechanical noises.

Lorrie Sullenberger
Distraught wife Lorrie
“He certainly seems human, at least anatomically speaking,” she told us with a blush. “And those weird sounds at night, I thought he was just grinding his teeth in his sleep.”
    Federal Aviation Administration investigators have begun to screen all commercial airline pilots to determine if other androids have infiltrated their ranks.

    “I think we’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg,” says acting FAA director Winston P. Wingfield, fulfilling his government obligation to speak in cliché. “Right now, we have more questions than answers.”

    But Sullenburger’s distraught wife Lorrie has only one question: “If this Sully is an android, where’s my real husband?”

Medical miracle
FDA OKs drug with no side effects
By Mysti Lane
Pharmaceutical correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Federal Drug Administration stunned the medical world by approving a pharmaceutical drug that has no side effects!
No side effects
    “This is a first!” declares FDA honcho Chuck Pfizer. “Never before have we approved a drug that doesn’t cause at least a touch of hives, diarrhea or heart disease in some people.”
    Although the proprietary blend of chemicals that comprise the new drug, Placebix, are a carefully guarded trade secret, Pfizer reveals it’s similar in makeup to the pills given as placebos to subjects in medical studies.
    Reps from the drug’s producer, pharmaceutical giant GlaxoSmithKlineMerckJohnson&Johnson, claim that Placebix is not only completely safe but also has the potential to cure any disease.
    “In every study ever done, there’s a percentage of people who are cured by the placebo,” explains Monica Moonie, the company’s director of marketing. “Based on that finding, we’ve created an ingestible therapy for virtually any ailment that works up to 23 percent of the time.”
    Despite the harmless nature of the drug, consumer watchdog groups are outraged over the government's approval of it.
    “This is another victory for Big Pharma,” blasts Fred Stump, spokesman for the Consumer Rights of America Panel (CRAP). “It gives the drug companies the right to go ahead and sell what are, in essence, sugar pills for the price of prescription medication.”
   Placebix is expected to retail for about $2 a pill to cover development costs and the company's international marketing campaign.
monica Moonie
Monica Moonie
    “Most drugs cost billions to develop,” notes Moonie. “But with Placebix, we’ve put all but about $50 into marketing. The drug’s effectiveness depends on how well we can convince patients it will help them, and those kind of commercials cost a lot because you have to find people who really look like they have things like erectile dysfunction, genital herpes and leaky bladders and then pay them enough to talk about it on TV in front of the world.”
    Analysts predict that the drug manufacturers will profit a scant 1,200 percent on their new product, low by industry standards. But what they lack in price-gouging profits they expect to make up for in volume.
    Says Moonie: “There’s a Placebix patient born every minute.”

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Burt Aulisio
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Burt Aulisio
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